"And he said, I will not destroy it"

 I hate the news.  I hate listening to all the turmoil, fighting, and hurting.  I hate listening to the depressing predictions of where this country is going and what the future will look like.  It takes my mind and heart to places that I don't like.  I hear of the destruction and wickedness.  The lack of morals and decency and my heart breaks.  

The other day, all these things were running through my mind.  I was thinking of my children.  I have two in college, three in high school and one in junior high.  What will their world look like as they take those steps to go out on their own?  What will they be walking into?  

As my mind raced with these thoughts and concerns, a thought came into my heart, "and if there be ten there. And he said, I will not destroy it."  That has been in my mind ever since. So much so that I had to go look it up and read it.

It came from Genesis chapter 18.  The Lord is talking to Abraham about destroying Sodom and Gomorrah because of the wickedness there.  Abraham asked the Lord if He would destroy the righteous with the wicked - even if there were just 50 righteous people in the city, would He not spare it for those 50?  The Lord told Abraham that if He found 50 righteous people, He would spare the city.  So then Abraham asked what if there was just 45 righteous people?  The Lord again said if He found 45 it would be spared. So Abraham asked again.  What about 40?  What about 30? What about 20?  Each time, the Lord answered that if He could find that many righteous, He would spare the city.  Then Abraham asked one last time, what if ten shall be found there.  "And he [the Lord] said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake."

Those scriptures brought peace to my heart.  It let me know that the Lord is aware of us.  He knows us and He wants to help us as we turn to Him.  Now Sodom and Gomorrah did end up being destroyed, but not before the Lord warned the last few righteous to leave the city.  They had turned their hearts to Him and He, in turn, led them to safety.

It is the same for us.  Life is hard right now.  There is so much out there to bring heartache, confusion, sadness, despair.  But we can look towards God and find light and direction and love.  He will listen to the pleas of the righteous.  He will spare them and wrap His arms around them.  Sometimes we feel alone in our battles with our morals, freedoms and beliefs being threatened.  All we hear in the news is the bad and the ugly.  We hear of Sodom and Gomorrah.  But there is light.  There is kindness.  There is humility, love and righteousness.  There is ten.  He will hear our pleas, just as He heard Abraham's and He will bless us with all that He sees we need.

We All Have Something

I have been watching the news, reading articles, listening to stories and seeing pictures of all the things going on in the world lately.  To say that I understand it all would be a false statement.  It does make me heartsick though.  I am not one that likes to see people hurting.  I don't like confrontation, or hurt feelings or sadness.  I don't like confusion or chaos.  I do my best to comfort, show empathy and lift others when I can.  I love to cheer for the underdog and see those who work hard succeed.  I try to have an open mind and understand thins through others' perspectives.  I'm not perfect at it and I never will be.

I am not going to address the things that are going on right now.  There are some things I understand and there are some things I don't.  There are some things that I agree with and there are some things that I absolutely don't agree with.  I see positives and I see negatives.  I am, however going to address the need to just be kind.

We are all facing things.  Every single one of us.  There is not anyone on this earth who is not facing something that isn't easy.  And just because my trial isn't yours, doesn't mean that yours is less important.  Just because my trial isn't as visible as your trial doesn't mean that mine doesn't count.  Just because someone else may be going through something harder doesn't mean that you shouldn't get validation for what you are struggling with.  Their hardship doesn't make your hardship easier or less important.  And it doesn't mean that you don't have the right to say it's hard.

Like the seniors this year...  Sure, there were kids at one point in time who had to leave school to go fight for their country.  Was that hard?  I imagine it was!  Was is what they wanted or what they had planned for?  I bet it wasn't.  Does that mean that our kids this year don't have the right to mourn the loss of their senior year?  No.  It doesn't.  Does it mean that they can't be sad or disappointed by how things turned out?  No.  Absolutely not.  Does reminding them that some one else had it worse help them?  I would say mostly, no.  It doesn't.  In fact, I think it can make things worse.  Not only are they then trying to deal with very real emotions about having to miss out, but they are also not dealing with emotions of guilt for letting it affect them when others "had it worse." 

What is hard for me may not be hard for you.  What is hard for you may not be hard for me.  It doesn't make it any less real though.  And even if we are going through the exact same experience, it is going to affect us differently and I won't be able to completely understand everything you are feeling.  For example, this last summer, my family moved from Montana to Nebraska.  We all know what it feels like to move, leave behind friends and try to start over.  However, we didn't all experience it on the same level.  Makenna was getting ready for her senior year.  She had just been voted student body president.  She was a varsity starter for volleyball and basketball and had goals of going to state in cross country again.  Zane left good friends and good medical facilities and doctors and a strong confidence in going to state in cross country again.  Dillon left a starting spot on the varsity basketball team, another opportunity to go to state in cross country, and a football coach who already knew him.  The list goes on.  Every one of us left something different during this move.  We all had to come here and try to find our place again and learn to be ok with the differences.  So while we all knew what it was like to move and we could support and love each other, we couldn't know "exactly" how each other felt because we did not give up "exactly" the same things.

I have Crohns disease.  I was diagnosed shortly before Zane was.  I could empathize with him.  I knew the annoyances that come from it, from having to change my diet, taking meds and being more aware of things.  However, my experience with it has not been the same as his.  Is he wrong for how he feels and deals with it?  Am I wrong because I do it differently?  No.  We each have our own individual experiences that we bring.  Neither of us is wrong.  We can love and support each other, but we can't completely understand each other.

Some people have challenges that are more noticeable.  Some have ones that we can't see.  Dilly broke his arm during basketball one season.  He had to play with a cast on.  Everyone could see that he had a broken arm.  As a result, people were a little more lenient on him.  If he missed a pass or a shot, they knew it was because he was playing one handed.  A kids who missed a pass or a play because his ADHD was going full force, may not get the same forgiveness because his challenge isn't as noticeable.  However, both require patience and understanding.  One is not better/worse than the other.  It's just different.  We can still love and support each other.  We can still show empathy

We all deal with things differently too.  Some people are more vocal about what they are going through.  Talking about it and asking for help enables them process it better.  Getting support from others helps them get through it.  Others are quiet.  Maybe they want help but don't know how to ask for it.  Maybe they don't want help, just time.  It doesn't make their challenge any less difficult.  We can still love and support them even if we process things differently.  We can still show empathy.

I guess my point in all of this is - there are so many people hurting and struggling today.  Some of it is very noticeable.  We see it on TV, social media, in the newspapers and on the streets.  Some of it is not.  Some happens behind closed doors, in private moments that no one knows about.  Tears are shed, hearts are hurting, lives have been changed.  We won't ever completely understand, but that doesn't mean that we sit and do nothing.  We can love and support.  We can encourage, uplift, and show empathy.  We can be kind.  We can listen.  We can try to understand.  We can recognize them for who they are - brothers and sisters, children of God.  We all have something we are going through.  Reach out, lift up, love.

Needed Miracles

It's been almost four years.  I still remember the day like it was yesterday.  I remember the events leading up to this day.  The frustration and fear.  The shock and concern.  Then I remember learning the truth.  The cause of all the previous events.  I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach.  I remember my hands shaking, my mind racing and my heart beating so fast I wasn't sure I could breath.  I remember calling Michael at work and telling him.  I remember seeing him drive up the driveway and bursting into tears.  I remember the drive to Sioux Falls to talk to a trusted friend.  I remember being present yet feeling like I was having an out of body experience.  I remember the pain, the betrayal, the hurt, the confusion, the loss.  I remember the days after that.  And the nights.  Six months of pain and anguish.  Six months of sleepless nights filled with images and words that I could not get out of my mind.  Six months of watching some one I loved, some one I was supposed to take care of, not respond and not get better.  I remember having to make that hard decision to reach out and get the help I could not give.  I remember.  I breaking inside knowing that it was going to get worse before it got better.  I remember walking around feeling like something was wrong with me because of the trauma we were experiencing, like I was no longer good enough or worthy enough.

I remember stepping foot inside the facility that we had chosen to help our child.  I remember hating it and wishing that I didn't have to be there.  I remember wondering how I could send my child there, yet knowing that I had no other choice. I remember the car ride home.  The pain.  The tears.  And now the secret.  The secret of the decision we had made.  We couldn't tell her.  I remember feeling so bad as I went to the store to buy the things that she would need, knowing that when she found out she would feel betrayed and hurt and frightened.  The days were so painful and long.  The nights even worse.  So many tears were shed.

The day finally came.  I had to start the day off with a lie to keep her home from school.  I was shaking and frightened and emotional.  Michael stayed home from work that day.  We had to lie about that too.  We sent the other kids to school.  Then we sat her down.  She knew right away that something was wrong.  We tried to calmly talk to her and explain what was happening.  As soon as she heard she started sobbing.  Hard, full body sobs.  I had to detach myself.  I couldn't handle the pain.  We took her upstairs with a list of things she needed to pack.  She cried while she packed.  I tried to help but felt like a jerk.  Why would she want my help packing when I was the one sending her to a place that she didn't want to go?  I felt like I had betrayed her.  I was mad at myself for not being able to protect her, help her and heal her.  Where had I gone wrong?  How could I have missed this?  How could I have let her fall into harm's way?  And now, because I lacked something somewhere, I had to send her to someone else and trust that they would care for her and help her.  As a mother, it was one of the worst feelings in the world.  I was a stay at home mom until all my kids were school age.  No one had ever had to take care of my kids.  It was me (and my husband).  Now I was handing that over to strangers.  And it was hard.  Harder than I could have ever imagined.

It was a two hour drive.  But it seemed like it was much longer.  We took her in, filled out papers, hugged her and then walked away as she sobbed.  Oh my heart.  I can still see it all so clear in my mind and I can still feel the horrible ache as we walked away.  It still makes me sick to my stomach.  However, the day wasn't over yet.  We still had to go home and explain to the other children what had happened.  The drive home was filled with dread and sadness.

The kids could tell as soon as they walked in that something was not right.  We sat them down and began to tell them.  Their faces were shocked and filled with confusion and sadness.  It is something that will forever be burned in my mind.  More tears, questions and heartache followed.  It was just the beginning.  It was a Friday so they had the weekend to try to process things before they went back to school and faced friends, teachers and peers.

Monday came with dread and pain.  I, too, had to go to school.  I emailed all the teachers to let them know that my child would no longer be attending their class.  I turned in her basketball uniform and broke down and sobbed as I handed it to her coach.  Many times I shut myself in the library (I was the librarian) and cried.  I just didn't know how to process all the pain I was feeling.  I walked around in a fog.  I went through the motions but my heart was not there.  My mind constantly raced, filled with what if's and why's and if only's.  The days were a blur of emotions.  I tried to be present because I knew that my family needed me to be but somedays it just wasn't possible.  I would walk past her bedroom and see her empty bed and my eyes would fill with tears.  I would have people ask questions about her and even though they were being kind, it would hurt.  We had one empty place at the table, not enough kids in the back to school pictures and an empty seat in the car.  Everything reminded me that we were not complete.

That next weekend we took the kids to see her.  They had not gotten to say goodbye.  We only got to spend a couple of hours there.  It was awkward and hard.  No one really knew what to say.  When the time came to leave, the tears started to flow.  My heart was breaking even more.  We said our goodbyes and left her standing there again, tears streaming down her face and the faces of my children.  I made the mistake of turning and looking back at her as the doors closed.  I can't explain exactly how I felt but I felt something physically break inside of me.  Something way down deep.  Something that still brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart when I think about it.  I did not know a person could feel so much pain and still be alive.  It was unbearable.  Incomprehensible.

We weren't allowed to go visit for a little while after that.  It was part of the program.  She needed to time to get adjusted.  We got ten minute phone calls twice a week.  Some days they were good.  Other days they were not.  Over time we got to go visit again.  First we had to stay there and could only visit for two hours.  Then we got to go outside as long as we stayed on the property.  Then we got to leave the facility as long as we stayed in town and we could have her for longer than two hours.  Then we could keep her for an entire day and we could leave town but we could not take her home.  After nine months she was able to come home for home visits.  We got her at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas.  She was able to stay for three days before we had to send her back.  Those days were wonderful.  After 11 months of intense therapy she was able to come home for good.  I can not even begin to tell you how excited we were to be a while family again!  It was amazing.

During this time, I often wished and prayed for peace, for miracles, for the ability to forgive and for justice to be brought to the person that hurt her.  I prayed for miracles.  For my mind to be erased, for the pain to go away, for none of this to have ever happened.  I would try to watch motivational stories about people who had their lives turned upside down but were filled with peace and comfort and love.  They only made me feel worse because I was not feeling those things.  I thought something was wrong with me because I was not receiving this miraculous healing like they had.  It added to my guilt and my feelings of inadequacy.  It added to my pain.  I kept going to church as much as I could.  There were days I couldn't though.  I didn't have the strength to.  I couldn't go to a place where forgiveness and peace and healing were taught when I was not able to experience any of these things.  I tried to read my scriptures and do what I was supposed to do.  It was hard though.  And through it all, the miracles I was seeking and hoping for did not come.

Lately, with all this corona stuff going on, I have seen stories and messages of people struggling and needing miracles right now.  I have seen stories of people sharing miracles and life changing blessings as they have struggled with this or other things in their life.  It has brought this experience of mine back to thoughts and focus.  And I can see the miracles.  Not the ones I wanted, but the ones I needed.

Like, the fact that we discovered what was wrong in the first place.  Help from our friend who led us to the facility.  Immediate openings in that facility when there was usually a long wait list.  Being able to get all the paperwork and signatures in quickly so she could be admitted.  Having a therapist there that emphasized my daughter's need to turn to Christ to help with the healing.  Strength to get through each day even though it wasn't always graceful or pleasant or even wanted.  Support from family and friends that always loved no matter what.  A husband who loved me through all of this.  Siblings who stood up and supported me and my family.  A job that allowed me to take time off to see her when we were able.

There were so many things, little things, that needed to happen, that couldn't have happened without divine help, in order to get the needed help for her.  These are things that we could not have done on our own.  Whether that help came in the form of a friend with contacts or a heart softened to see the need or even just a hug in a hard moment, they came.  And I know that they came because we were being watched over.  I know they came because we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and knows us personally.  I know that we have a Savior who has already felt and suffered the pains that we felt and suffered during that time and because of that, He knew how to succor us.  He knew what we needed.  It wasn't what I hoped for, but it was what I needed.

As I see and read the stories right now, I know that we are still all being watched over.  Times may be hard, we may suffer, we may not see the miracles that we want.  But we will not be left alone.  The miracles that we need will be there for us.  We just need to keep moving forward to the best of our ability and keep our hand reaching out to the Lord.  He knows us.  He loves us.  He has promised that He will never forsake us.  Trust.  Believe.  Continue on.
   
                                          

There's a Time to Stay and a Time to Walk Away

We teach our children that if you are going to start something you are going to finish it.  It doesn't matter if you don't like it as much as you thought you would or if you don't like the coach.  It doesn't matter if you end up playing rock number 3 in the play instead of having the lead role or if you get stuck with the white chess pieces instead of the black ones in the chess tournament.  You finish and you finish doing the best that you can.  You play such an amazing rock number 3 that the director wishes they would have put you as tree number 1. 

We also teach our children that they need to be aware of their mental and emotional health and know when to walk away from something that is not healthy for them.  Maybe they are stressed from classes and have been asked to join Speech - they need to be aware of how that will affect them and whether they should join or walk away.  If there is someone that they are in contact with that is putting them down, making them feel less of a person or hurting them emotionally or physically - we teach them to stand up for themselves and walk away. 

So what do you do when those two teachings collide and in order to stand up for yourself, you can't stay and be rock number 3 because horse number 2 keeps pushing you down the hill? 

This is something that we have been dealing with in our house recently.  It's been very hard and emotional.  There's been a lot of frustration and tears.  Then, once the decision was made, there was a load removed.

Makenna is a senior this year.  She joined basketball this year excited to play and enjoy her last season.  She worked hard, tried to always have a positive attitude and did her best to listen to the coach and do what was asked of her.  However, because of different incidents, experiences and conversations, she began to feel tremendous pressure and anxiety.  The pressure to be perfect was a lot of stress for a person to carry.  Trying to be positive while others were not was hard.  Practices and games brought anxiety and stress and things were no longer fun.  She was emotionally and mentally maxed out and other things in her life were suffering as a result.  She talked to those she trusted, she tried even harder to perform at her best and she spent a lot of time thinking about the situation.  In the end, she decided that in order to stand up and feel centered in her life again, she was going to have to walk away from basketball.  It was hard and she cried but she felt a huge weight lifted off her. 

She talked to the coach and explained her reasons.  Then she gave him her jersey and walked away.  Since that decision, she has dealt with the girls talking behind her back, jumping to conclusions and saying things like "I would never be a quitter like her."  It been hard and hurtful but she knows she did what was best for her at this time.  They have not taken the time to find out why she made this decision, they have just made assumptions and turned it into lunchtime gossip.  However, she is ok with it because she is confident in the decision she made.

I am proud of her for taking this very hard step.  Handling emotions and emotional situations is something that Makenna has struggled with and worked very hard on through out her life.  The fact that she was able to look at this situation, know what she needed and then be able to follow through with it shows a lot of maturity and growth on her part.  I stand behind her 100% and I'm proud of the progress she has made in this area.

So, the answer to the questions above?  I guess it depends on the situation and the person involved.  Some can stay and continue to be rock number 3 and tuck and roll down the hill.  Some need to walk away and find peace in another pasture.

It's Been a While

Looking back at my blog, it's been about a year and a half since I have last posted anything.  I have started many times to write, but the things that were in my heart I was not able to post so I just stopped writing.  Those things are still in my heart but I will try to keep them there while I update our life.

A lot has happened since July of 2018.  I can't write it all down but I will try to hit the highlights.  Fall of 2019 offered me the opportunity to coach JH/HS cross country.  I loved it!  I had 5 high school runners (four were mine) and all 5 made it to state.  I had 3 JH runners (one was mine).  One ended up injured so I finished the season with 2.  It was so great to watch them all improve over the season and I loved getting to go to State and watch my 5 athletes do their thing!  Along with cross country, Maddi and Makenna both played volleyball and Dillon and Zeke both played football.  Zane chose to only do cross country and Olivia chose to do only volleyball.  Dillon broke a floater bone in his hand and partially tore ligaments in his thumb on the last day of football practice.  He had to be put in a cast.  The next night he played in his last football game of the season and then headed to Missoula for State XC.  He was in a lot of pain, but he ran well and got to spend the next 3 or 4 weeks in a cast.  He got it off a week after basketball started.

After my diagnosis of Crohns and Celiac, we took Zane in and he was also diagnosed with Crohns in September.  He was started on Remicade infusions and has done really well since then.  He has gained about 30 pounds and feels much better. 

Starting in October I took a full time para position at the school.  I was blessed to work in the k-2nd grade room.  I loved working with the little kids and with Mrs. J.  I learned a lot during the year.  Harrison is a great school and a great place.  Maddison was inducted into NHS during the fall too.  I am so proud of her and all that she has accomplished. 

After fall sports we went right into basketball season.  All 6 kids played basketball and I was able to coach the JH girls team.  I loved those girls!  Again, watching them grow and improve was so amazing.  Maddi, Makenna, Zane and Dillon all lettered in basketball and cross country.  Dillon also lettered in football and the girls lettered in volleyball.

During the spring, Dillon went out for track.  He ended up spending most of the season in a boot with a broken bone in his foot.  He broke it during basketball but finished out the season.  Then the doctor stuck him in a boot so he could heal.  He was able to run in the last couple of meets.  He made it to divisionals which was great considering he was out of shape and coming back from an injury.  Zeke and Olivia also went out for track and I was able to coach the JH team.  We had our challenges but it was a great season and all the athletes ended the season better than they started.

In May, Maddi graduated from high school.  She was second in her class.  Michael's parents and sister came out for it and we also had friends from SD come.  It was hard to believe that we were at that point in life.  Time sure goes quickly.  Maddi, Zeke, Olivia and I also took a trip to SD in May to watch Maddi's class graduate.  It was fun to be able to see old friends and visit with the people we had grown to love while we lived there.  Made me a little homesick.

June brought more changes.  Michael took a job in Nebraska so we loaded up and headed to Oshkosh.  Maddi had decided to go to school in Dillon, Mt at Montana Western so she stayed in Montana with a coworker for the summer.  It was hard to say goodbye to her and leave but we were proud of her for being ready to be on her own.   Moving was hard.  The kids had to leave behind good friends.  We loved Montana - the beauty is indescribable and the people were wonderful.  Michael's job wasn't that awesome though so I was excited for him to be in a better situation and for him to be able to spend more time with us. 

Makenna left Oshkosh a few days after we got here and spent the summer in California with Michael's sister being a nanny for her little boy.  She really enjoyed her time there and hopes she gets to go back this summer.  The other kids spent the summer at the pool.  We would get up in the morning and do workouts and then they would go swimming most every afternoon.  We lived in a very small house for the first couple of months so it was nice to have to pool for them to go to.  They also started going to workouts at the school.  They were able to meet some of the other kids in town.  Dillon went to a football camp and he and Zane played basketball in the summer league.  Zane also got a job out at the feedlot.  He would go to work with Michael around 6am every morning and work until 5ish.  Then he would come home, run and go to workouts.  He really grew up this summer.

In August, Maddi decided to switch schools (yay!) and go to Chadron State College in Chadron, NE.  Michael and I drove to Montana and brought her back to Oshkosk.  A week later, we loaded her up again and took her to college.  It has been nice having her 2 hours away instead of 12.  She was able to find a job on campus and has really enjoyed her year so far.  She has had some challenges but has been able to work through them and come out on top.  She switched dorms part way through the semester and that really helped things too.  She made it on the Dean's list for the first semester and is ready to go back in a week and start her second semester.

The other kids were nervous for school to start.  However, they adjusted really well.  Dillon and Zeke played football.  They both had a great year.  Dillon's team was undefeated in the regular season but lost int he second round of playoffs.  It was so fun to watch them play.  Zeke and Zane ran cross country.  Zeke took first or second in every single one of his races.  Zane also ran well and cut over 3 minutes off his best time from the year before.  He also qualified for State.  I was able to go to Kearney to watch him run.  I was so proud of him! Zane also joined FFA and had fun participating in that.  Makenna and Olivia played volleyball.  Makenna had a tough season but I was so proud of her positive attitude.  Even though things didn't go as she had hoped, she hing in there, cheered on her teammates and kept a positive attitude.  This year has been tough for her - it's hard to move to a new place for your senior year - but she has really grown up and handled things positively.  Makenna also did the One Act play and was inducted into NHS.

A week after school started, we moved.  This house has a lot more space and it was so nice to finally be able to unpack and settle in after spending the summer living out of boxes.  It made the first week of school a little crazy but it was worth it!

This fall we also got to see my Aunt Pat and Uncle Dick.  They were one their way home from Wyoming and stopped here to spend the night.  It was so good to see them even if it was just for a couple of hours.

Now we are in the middle of basketball season.  Makenna is on the varsity team.  Zane and Dillon both play JV and varsity.  Olivia and Zeke both play JH basketball.  It's an adjustment learning to play for a new coach and with new teammates but they are all working hard and I am proud of them for working through the frustrations and showing up everyday with a positive attitude.  It is teaching them life lessons that will carry them far beyond the high school basketball court.

In December I started a new job at the clinic here in town.  It's just part time so that allows me to still be able to watch the kids do their thing.  I have a lot to learn but I am enjoying it.  Michael's job has given him so much more time at home.  It has been so nice to be able to have him around more.  He gets to watch the kids play in their games and he's home in the evenings with us.  I have also been able to take pictures at the different sporting events for the local newspaper.  I love photography and am grateful for this opportunity.

So... that's our life over the last 18 months.  A lot of changes, a lot of goodbyes and new beginnings.  I know there is some sadness for what was left behind, especially when things here get frustrating, but there have been blessings.  Moving here, not having friends, has really brought the kids closer together.  This summer all they had was each other and they learned to be good friends.  Starting over in a new school again has also showed them that some things aren't as important as maybe they once thought.  I won't lie, it has been tough, but I have seen them grow in ways that they wouldn't have had they not had these challenges.  It's hard to watch them struggle, but it's good to see them change with the lessons that they learn.

Answers.... Finally

Well, yesterday was a big day.  After years of searching and going to doctor after doctor just to be told that I am fine and that nothing is wrong with me, I finally have answers.

After I had Olivia (who is now 11 years old) I never felt like I ever got back to my "normal".  I went to a lot of doctors over the years and they could find nothing so they ended up dismissing me telling me that I was fine and that there was nothing that could be done.  I was just tired because I had 6 kids.  So, I would go back home, suck it up, and do my best to keep going.

A few years ago I got uveitis in both of my eyes.  I had to have my eyes constantly dilated for over a month.  I ended up having to get injections in both my eyes.  After about 6 weeks, it had cleared up. Uveitis, when you have it like I did, is usually caused by some sort of autoimmune disease.  I had all sorts of blood work and everything came back fine.

Less than a year later, I got the uveitis back in my left eye.  Again I got an injection and after a few weeks it had cleared up.

Seven months later, I got iritis in both eyes.  Since the inflammation was just in the fronts of my eyes I was able to clear it up with eye drops.  However, 3 months after that, I got uveitis in both eyes again.  I went to a retina specialist and got injections in both eyes and he recommended getting blood work done again.

I started a long road of blood work, doctor visits, a CT scan, MRI and more.  I tested positive for lupus but after seeing a rheumatologist that was ruled out.  Everything else came back fine.  Nothing was wrong with  me.

In May, I ended up with uveitis in my right eye.  I ended up getting an injection and within a month it had cleared up.  However, when I went back for my followup visit with the retina specialist, I found out my right eye was cleared up but I had it in my left eye.  That meant another injection.

During this time, I had been going to a new doctor (we moved to Montana in February) in Three Forks.  She was the answer I needed.  She would not give up.  She tried tests that no one else had tried even though I didn't have classic symptoms.  My fatigue had worsened and I was also having abdominal discomfort.  She found out I was low in iron and vitamin d.  However, even with the supplements I was not feeling better.  She referred me on to have a colonoscopy and an EGD.  On a last minute thought, she decided to have me tested for Celiac even though she didn't think I had it because I didn't show classic symptoms.

My Celiac test came back positive so she added a biopsy to the referral with the EGD.

Yesterday was the fun day that I got to have all these procedures done.  That is where the answers came from.  After everything was done, the GI doctor came to talk to me.  He took biopsies of everything for which we will have to wait a few days for the official results but he confirmed that I do in fact have Celiac disease.  Along with that I also have Crohn's disease.  I also have esophagitis.  The biopsies will tell us more about that.   Uveitis is caused by Crohn's disease.  Both diseases cause fatigue, abdominal discomfort, iron deficiencies, bloating, weight issues and a lot of other things.

While I am not super excited about the conclusions, I am relieved that there are answers.  I am relieved to finally not be turned away and told there was nothing wrong with me.

I have a lot to learn about eating.  Some foods that I can eat with Celiac are foods that are not recommended with Crohn's so there will be lots of things I have to learn and cross reference with both diseases.  There may be even more restrictions when the results come back from my esaphogus biopsies.

I am a little overwhelmed right now.  I have not wrapped my head around it all yet and I don't think I will anytime soon.  But at least I have a starting point and I finally have answers.

Hope

A year ago, on February 24th, was one of the absolute most painful, heartbreaking days of my life. I posted this on Facebook, I think in an effort to sooth my emotions and have hope that I would feel that rest in the coming days, weeks and months.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest … unto your souls” Matthew 11:28-29

The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ—whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure them—is available for every affliction in mortality. - Dallin H. Oaks

During the last year I have questioned everything there is to question and I have struggled through every hard emotion there is to struggle through. And where am I a year later? Still questioning and still struggling. There are just things to which there will never be answers unfortunately. However, did I feel the "rest" that was promised in the scriptures? Did I feel the healing? I did. Not in the way that I had hoped though.

I have watched the inspirational videos of all these people full of faith who in the midst of horrible challenges were filled with peace and comfort, never doubting, never wondering. They were amazing videos to watch. And I waited, hoping the same would happen to me. I read my scriptures, I went to church, I did my best to fulfill my callings at church, but those feelings of peace and reassurance didn't come. I could never seem to feel them, let alone be "washed over: by them.

I doubted myself. I doubted my faith. I doubted my worthiness. I doubted my intentions. I doubted all that I knew. I tried. I did my best. Yet my best did not seem to be enough to make me worthy of these feelings of peace that I so desperately needed. I wondered why I wasn't able to feel His love? Why was He so far from me when I needed Him so much?

I have come to the conclusion that the healing I received did not come through removal of my burdens like I wanted. It came through strength to endure - ugly, awkward, grasping, stumbling strength.

When I was 21, I served a mission for my church in Ireland. My first month or two out was quite an adjustment. Our days were spent going door to door trying to talk to people about our Savior, Jesus Christ. In those days I was in pretty good shape physically but nothing could prepare you for the constant pounding on your feet that happened as you walked for 10 hours a day (except for walking 10 hours a day ☺). A few weeks into it, my feet were hurting so bad. At the end of the day my feet would be swollen so my toes couldn't touch the floor. In the mornings, as I would try to stand on them for the first time, pain would shoot through my feet and up my legs. I prayed for them to get better but it didn't happen. I even told God, "Look, I'm doing your work. Take this pain away so I can do it better." It still didn't go away. Finally, one morning as I was getting up and feeling that pain shoot through my feet and legs, the thought came to me, "I didn't take it away but I gave you the strength to walk each day." It was true. He didn't take away the burden, but each day I was able to get up and go and get through the day. Eventually, my body got used to the daily routine and I didn't have anymore problems with my feet except for a stone bruise every now and then.

So it was with this last year. He didn't take the pain away. I felt every ounce of it and I still do. In fact, not only was the pain not taken away but there was more stress added to it with medical issues and worries to go along with everything else. He did give me the strength to endure it - some days better than others. He gave me good friends to support me and listen to me, a good work environment that allowed me to be able to take care of the things that needed to be taken care of, a couple of family members that stood by me through all of it no matter what and a very patient, loving husband who endured with me.

Do I still question and struggle? Yes. I think I always will. My core was shaken. Everything I knew and believed became a source of pain and confusion. Who I was, my connections to this life, everything was taken from me. Do I know God is there? Yes. Do I know that He is aware of me? Yes. But for now, I doubt my worthiness in His presence. I doubt my faithfulness. I doubt my ability to feel Him near. I doubt my spirituality. I hope that will continue to change as time continues to pass on. I hope that I will find my place again and my own way of feeling and doing. I hope that God looks down on me with patience and understanding. I hope He doesn't take it personal when I yell at Him and wonder why such cruel jokes are continuing to be played on me. I hope, when I finally climb out of this pit that I am in, that His hand will be stretched out still and He will be willing to take me back in.

Sun Rise in the Rear View Mirror

On January 26th, bright and early in the morning, Michael headed down our Astoria driveway for the last time.  He drove a U-haul with all of our belongings, took 5 of the kids and headed to Montana.  I stayed with Makenna for another few days.  I finished cleaning the house and packing up the odds and ends.  On the 1st of February the two of us headed to New York.  We flew back to Sioux Falls on the 6th and spent the night in Mitchell.  On the 7th, we loaded up and headed our car west.  A few hours into our drive, as the sun was coming up, I looked into the rear view mirror and saw this beautiful sight.

We spent the last almost 6 years in South Dakota.  It is the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my entire life. I was excited for our new adventure in Montana.  I was excited for a fresh start, for our family being all together.  As I looked in that rear view mirror though, I was filled with sadness.  I made some amazing friends and unforgettable memories while I was there.  I was leaving people who had helped me through the hardest 18 months of my life - people who had listened to me, prayed for me, supported me, showed empathy and love.  People who I had shared chocolate with ☺ People who I had grown to love.  It was so weird to be heading away from all of them, especially when I had just gotten home from this awesome trip and I hadn't been able to go back and tell them all about  it!  

As we headed down the road, there were some beautiful views ahead of me.  There were mountains, blue skies, trees, sights that I honestly can't get enough of.  The mountains fill me with awe.  There is something about them that seems to bring God closer to earth.  I can feel His presence in these mountains.  But I can feel His love in my rear view mirror and I am so grateful to all of you who helped me feel it.  You are all as beautiful as the mountains before me and the sunrise in my rear view mirror.

Falling Down the Stairs

The Saturday before Christmas I had just gotten all the kids up and was headed down the stairs.  We live in a two story farm house and the stairs are kind of narrow and steep.  A couple steps from the top, I slipped.  I tried to catch myself but couldn't.  Down I went.  It hurt.  A lot.  No matter what I tried to do, I couldn't stop myself from falling all the way to the bottom.  Each step brought new pain and by the time I hit the floor, I couldn't move or breathe.  I lay there, on my back trying to process what had just happened.  I hurt so bad I was sick to my stomach.  My kids came running to see if I was ok.  One even reached out a hand to help me up but I couldn't move.  I was still trying to process where the pain was coming from and what kind of damage it had done.  So I lay there, moaning, trying to breathe and sort out the fall.  As I lay there, my kids just stepped around me and continued on with their morning - talking and eating breakfast.

Slowly my senses came back to me and I was able to get up and slowly walk back up the stairs.  The fall had ripped my pants and bruised my legs and a few places on my arms.  I had some how hurt my right hand too though I didn't know how or when exactly it happened during the fall.  The rest of the day, I moved slowly and sat a lot because my legs hurt and my hip and hand were swollen.

As I walked up the stairs, I thought, "This is the perfect ending to this year."  This last year has been a huge fall down the stairs.  It has been an out of control, pain beyond recognition fall.  I could see it happening, I tried to reach out and stop it and no matter what I tried, I couldn't stop it and I ended up at the bottom of the stairs trying to comprehend what just happened, what was causing the pain, and what kind of damage it did.

Slowly, over the year, I have been able to come back to my senses, figure out some of the pain and slowly walk back up the stairs.  It has left marks on my soul and in my family.  It has caused me to move slower than I usually do some days and it has caused me to come to a complete stop and sit other days.  There are things that I have had to change because of the rips from the fall.

It's been a month now since my tumble down the stairs and the bruises have faded.  My hand is still sore and I have a hard time gripping with it but no one can see any evidence of my fall.  My life has been the same.  I have started healing, no one can see the marks of the fall.  There is still pain, there are still things that I have a hard time gripping, but the constant pain has eased.

I have done my best to climb back to the top of the stairs despite the pain that they caused me.  It was hard. It caused feelings of insecurity, pain, anger, hopelessness, betrayal and mistrust.  But from the climb has also come new friendships, strength, humility, empathy and love.

Am I grateful for this fall down the stairs?  Heavens no!  Would I want to do it again?  Not on your life!  Have I learned anything?  Yes.  I have learned that I can do hard things.  I have learned that despite the betrayal and hurt, there are those out there that love and help no matter what.  I have learned that doors will be opened in the right time and even though those doors may be hard to go through, they are opened to walk through to a better place.  I have also learned that I would much rather have a slide than a staircase ☺

September

Wow!  It's been a long time since I have posted!  September was a blur of volleyball, cross country, football, doctor appointments and school!

We started the month celebrating Dillon's 13th birthday.  He was lucky and had the day off school so we went to go get Maddi and celebrate with her.  It was rainy that day so we couldn't be outside but we found some ways to have fun anyways ☺  We started with a gumball eating contest at the mall.  Dillon won and no one choked!

We did a little shopping and when the sun came out for a few minutes, we took some pictures.

Michael wasn't able to be with us that day so on our way home, we stopped and grabbed some cupcakes so that we could celebrate with him that night.  We love Dillon!  He is so kind and respectful.  He loves sports and puts 110% into every practice and game.  He's good at school and everybody seems to want to be his friend.  He is such a blessing to our family.  His sweet spirit brings peace to our home.

The rest of the month flew by.  Our weekends were spent at volleyball games, football jamborees and cross country meets.  Mondays and Fridays were spent at the football field too.  Makenna sang the National Anthem at a couple of varsity volleyball games.  It has been so fun to watch them all do their thing this fall!

The rest of the month, in between games and trying to get to work, I spent hanging out at various doctor's offices.  Since I had my uveitis come back at the end of the summer, I was required to get more blood work done and have a physical.  My first round of blood work filled 9 vials.  When I went in for my physical I was told that one of the tests came back with high results so they wanted to break it down and see what was causing to be high.  I had 5 more vials of blood taken that time.  While I waited for those results it was suggested I have a mammogram.  First one ever.  A few days later I was called back saying my blood work showed positive for lupus and that I needed to go in for a second mammogram because they found a suspicious spot.  I also had to go to a rheumatologist for further testing for lupus.  Second mammogram resulted in needing an ultrasound.  The ultrasound showed I needed a biopsy.  The rheumatologist said no to lupus but had me take a chest xray for something else that I don't know the name of.  The xray came back clear so he had me have a CT scan of my chest.  That also came back clear.  In the meantime I had my biopsy consultation and scheduled my biopsy.  The  next day I went in for an MRI on my brain to check for MS.  Two days after that, I had my biopsy.  Five days later everything came back clear, no MS no cancer!  The cause of my uveitis is still unknown and it was frustrating to go through all of that and still have no answers but I am grateful that it was not any of those things they were testing me for!  I also had a small cyst removed from my head (I thought it was a mole) and got my flu shot!  I should be good for a while!  In 6 months I will go for a follow up mammogram.  Next month I will go in for a follow up for my eyes to make sure they are still clear.  Hopefully that will be all that my future holds in the way of medical things.

During this Zeke also failed another hearing test.  We had to take him in for a CT scan of his head.  It showed nothing.  That means that fly that used to live in his head really did eat his brain!  We will do yearly checks of his hearing to make sure that things are not getting worse.  Right now it is very mild and only certain tones so it does not seem to affect him.  Hopefully it will stay that way!

So... that was our month of September!  I am hoping for a much slower October as fall sports wind down and doctor visits end.  

Oh!  And we also got a new dog!  Nellie, a very sweet Irish Wolfhound!  I love her!