Answers.... Finally

Well, yesterday was a big day.  After years of searching and going to doctor after doctor just to be told that I am fine and that nothing is wrong with me, I finally have answers.

After I had Olivia (who is now 11 years old) I never felt like I ever got back to my "normal".  I went to a lot of doctors over the years and they could find nothing so they ended up dismissing me telling me that I was fine and that there was nothing that could be done.  I was just tired because I had 6 kids.  So, I would go back home, suck it up, and do my best to keep going.

A few years ago I got uveitis in both of my eyes.  I had to have my eyes constantly dilated for over a month.  I ended up having to get injections in both my eyes.  After about 6 weeks, it had cleared up. Uveitis, when you have it like I did, is usually caused by some sort of autoimmune disease.  I had all sorts of blood work and everything came back fine.

Less than a year later, I got the uveitis back in my left eye.  Again I got an injection and after a few weeks it had cleared up.

Seven months later, I got iritis in both eyes.  Since the inflammation was just in the fronts of my eyes I was able to clear it up with eye drops.  However, 3 months after that, I got uveitis in both eyes again.  I went to a retina specialist and got injections in both eyes and he recommended getting blood work done again.

I started a long road of blood work, doctor visits, a CT scan, MRI and more.  I tested positive for lupus but after seeing a rheumatologist that was ruled out.  Everything else came back fine.  Nothing was wrong with  me.

In May, I ended up with uveitis in my right eye.  I ended up getting an injection and within a month it had cleared up.  However, when I went back for my followup visit with the retina specialist, I found out my right eye was cleared up but I had it in my left eye.  That meant another injection.

During this time, I had been going to a new doctor (we moved to Montana in February) in Three Forks.  She was the answer I needed.  She would not give up.  She tried tests that no one else had tried even though I didn't have classic symptoms.  My fatigue had worsened and I was also having abdominal discomfort.  She found out I was low in iron and vitamin d.  However, even with the supplements I was not feeling better.  She referred me on to have a colonoscopy and an EGD.  On a last minute thought, she decided to have me tested for Celiac even though she didn't think I had it because I didn't show classic symptoms.

My Celiac test came back positive so she added a biopsy to the referral with the EGD.

Yesterday was the fun day that I got to have all these procedures done.  That is where the answers came from.  After everything was done, the GI doctor came to talk to me.  He took biopsies of everything for which we will have to wait a few days for the official results but he confirmed that I do in fact have Celiac disease.  Along with that I also have Crohn's disease.  I also have esophagitis.  The biopsies will tell us more about that.   Uveitis is caused by Crohn's disease.  Both diseases cause fatigue, abdominal discomfort, iron deficiencies, bloating, weight issues and a lot of other things.

While I am not super excited about the conclusions, I am relieved that there are answers.  I am relieved to finally not be turned away and told there was nothing wrong with me.

I have a lot to learn about eating.  Some foods that I can eat with Celiac are foods that are not recommended with Crohn's so there will be lots of things I have to learn and cross reference with both diseases.  There may be even more restrictions when the results come back from my esaphogus biopsies.

I am a little overwhelmed right now.  I have not wrapped my head around it all yet and I don't think I will anytime soon.  But at least I have a starting point and I finally have answers.

Hope

A year ago, on February 24th, was one of the absolute most painful, heartbreaking days of my life. I posted this on Facebook, I think in an effort to sooth my emotions and have hope that I would feel that rest in the coming days, weeks and months.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest … unto your souls” Matthew 11:28-29

The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ—whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure them—is available for every affliction in mortality. - Dallin H. Oaks

During the last year I have questioned everything there is to question and I have struggled through every hard emotion there is to struggle through. And where am I a year later? Still questioning and still struggling. There are just things to which there will never be answers unfortunately. However, did I feel the "rest" that was promised in the scriptures? Did I feel the healing? I did. Not in the way that I had hoped though.

I have watched the inspirational videos of all these people full of faith who in the midst of horrible challenges were filled with peace and comfort, never doubting, never wondering. They were amazing videos to watch. And I waited, hoping the same would happen to me. I read my scriptures, I went to church, I did my best to fulfill my callings at church, but those feelings of peace and reassurance didn't come. I could never seem to feel them, let alone be "washed over: by them.

I doubted myself. I doubted my faith. I doubted my worthiness. I doubted my intentions. I doubted all that I knew. I tried. I did my best. Yet my best did not seem to be enough to make me worthy of these feelings of peace that I so desperately needed. I wondered why I wasn't able to feel His love? Why was He so far from me when I needed Him so much?

I have come to the conclusion that the healing I received did not come through removal of my burdens like I wanted. It came through strength to endure - ugly, awkward, grasping, stumbling strength.

When I was 21, I served a mission for my church in Ireland. My first month or two out was quite an adjustment. Our days were spent going door to door trying to talk to people about our Savior, Jesus Christ. In those days I was in pretty good shape physically but nothing could prepare you for the constant pounding on your feet that happened as you walked for 10 hours a day (except for walking 10 hours a day ☺). A few weeks into it, my feet were hurting so bad. At the end of the day my feet would be swollen so my toes couldn't touch the floor. In the mornings, as I would try to stand on them for the first time, pain would shoot through my feet and up my legs. I prayed for them to get better but it didn't happen. I even told God, "Look, I'm doing your work. Take this pain away so I can do it better." It still didn't go away. Finally, one morning as I was getting up and feeling that pain shoot through my feet and legs, the thought came to me, "I didn't take it away but I gave you the strength to walk each day." It was true. He didn't take away the burden, but each day I was able to get up and go and get through the day. Eventually, my body got used to the daily routine and I didn't have anymore problems with my feet except for a stone bruise every now and then.

So it was with this last year. He didn't take the pain away. I felt every ounce of it and I still do. In fact, not only was the pain not taken away but there was more stress added to it with medical issues and worries to go along with everything else. He did give me the strength to endure it - some days better than others. He gave me good friends to support me and listen to me, a good work environment that allowed me to be able to take care of the things that needed to be taken care of, a couple of family members that stood by me through all of it no matter what and a very patient, loving husband who endured with me.

Do I still question and struggle? Yes. I think I always will. My core was shaken. Everything I knew and believed became a source of pain and confusion. Who I was, my connections to this life, everything was taken from me. Do I know God is there? Yes. Do I know that He is aware of me? Yes. But for now, I doubt my worthiness in His presence. I doubt my faithfulness. I doubt my ability to feel Him near. I doubt my spirituality. I hope that will continue to change as time continues to pass on. I hope that I will find my place again and my own way of feeling and doing. I hope that God looks down on me with patience and understanding. I hope He doesn't take it personal when I yell at Him and wonder why such cruel jokes are continuing to be played on me. I hope, when I finally climb out of this pit that I am in, that His hand will be stretched out still and He will be willing to take me back in.

Sun Rise in the Rear View Mirror

On January 26th, bright and early in the morning, Michael headed down our Astoria driveway for the last time.  He drove a U-haul with all of our belongings, took 5 of the kids and headed to Montana.  I stayed with Makenna for another few days.  I finished cleaning the house and packing up the odds and ends.  On the 1st of February the two of us headed to New York.  We flew back to Sioux Falls on the 6th and spent the night in Mitchell.  On the 7th, we loaded up and headed our car west.  A few hours into our drive, as the sun was coming up, I looked into the rear view mirror and saw this beautiful sight.

We spent the last almost 6 years in South Dakota.  It is the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my entire life. I was excited for our new adventure in Montana.  I was excited for a fresh start, for our family being all together.  As I looked in that rear view mirror though, I was filled with sadness.  I made some amazing friends and unforgettable memories while I was there.  I was leaving people who had helped me through the hardest 18 months of my life - people who had listened to me, prayed for me, supported me, showed empathy and love.  People who I had shared chocolate with ☺ People who I had grown to love.  It was so weird to be heading away from all of them, especially when I had just gotten home from this awesome trip and I hadn't been able to go back and tell them all about  it!  

As we headed down the road, there were some beautiful views ahead of me.  There were mountains, blue skies, trees, sights that I honestly can't get enough of.  The mountains fill me with awe.  There is something about them that seems to bring God closer to earth.  I can feel His presence in these mountains.  But I can feel His love in my rear view mirror and I am so grateful to all of you who helped me feel it.  You are all as beautiful as the mountains before me and the sunrise in my rear view mirror.

Falling Down the Stairs

The Saturday before Christmas I had just gotten all the kids up and was headed down the stairs.  We live in a two story farm house and the stairs are kind of narrow and steep.  A couple steps from the top, I slipped.  I tried to catch myself but couldn't.  Down I went.  It hurt.  A lot.  No matter what I tried to do, I couldn't stop myself from falling all the way to the bottom.  Each step brought new pain and by the time I hit the floor, I couldn't move or breathe.  I lay there, on my back trying to process what had just happened.  I hurt so bad I was sick to my stomach.  My kids came running to see if I was ok.  One even reached out a hand to help me up but I couldn't move.  I was still trying to process where the pain was coming from and what kind of damage it had done.  So I lay there, moaning, trying to breathe and sort out the fall.  As I lay there, my kids just stepped around me and continued on with their morning - talking and eating breakfast.

Slowly my senses came back to me and I was able to get up and slowly walk back up the stairs.  The fall had ripped my pants and bruised my legs and a few places on my arms.  I had some how hurt my right hand too though I didn't know how or when exactly it happened during the fall.  The rest of the day, I moved slowly and sat a lot because my legs hurt and my hip and hand were swollen.

As I walked up the stairs, I thought, "This is the perfect ending to this year."  This last year has been a huge fall down the stairs.  It has been an out of control, pain beyond recognition fall.  I could see it happening, I tried to reach out and stop it and no matter what I tried, I couldn't stop it and I ended up at the bottom of the stairs trying to comprehend what just happened, what was causing the pain, and what kind of damage it did.

Slowly, over the year, I have been able to come back to my senses, figure out some of the pain and slowly walk back up the stairs.  It has left marks on my soul and in my family.  It has caused me to move slower than I usually do some days and it has caused me to come to a complete stop and sit other days.  There are things that I have had to change because of the rips from the fall.

It's been a month now since my tumble down the stairs and the bruises have faded.  My hand is still sore and I have a hard time gripping with it but no one can see any evidence of my fall.  My life has been the same.  I have started healing, no one can see the marks of the fall.  There is still pain, there are still things that I have a hard time gripping, but the constant pain has eased.

I have done my best to climb back to the top of the stairs despite the pain that they caused me.  It was hard. It caused feelings of insecurity, pain, anger, hopelessness, betrayal and mistrust.  But from the climb has also come new friendships, strength, humility, empathy and love.

Am I grateful for this fall down the stairs?  Heavens no!  Would I want to do it again?  Not on your life!  Have I learned anything?  Yes.  I have learned that I can do hard things.  I have learned that despite the betrayal and hurt, there are those out there that love and help no matter what.  I have learned that doors will be opened in the right time and even though those doors may be hard to go through, they are opened to walk through to a better place.  I have also learned that I would much rather have a slide than a staircase ☺