Happy Birthday Katie!

Today is my sister, Katie's birthday.  She would be 41.  Isn't she beautiful?  As I've posted before, I never knew her in this life.  She died when she was two.  Her impact was huge though.  It will always be felt as long as there is Cantrell blood on this earth.  Her birthday has once again turned my thoughts to life, what we do while we are here and the impact that will have on us in the eternities.  Katie came here perfect and, we believe, for a certain purpose.  She didn't need all the testing and proving that so many of the rest of us need.  She came, touched lives, changed hearts, and left.  I look at my own life.  What have I done?  What will my actions mean?  How have I impacted those around me?  This weekend has been a difficult one for me.  Michael has been working.  I have been single parenting.  Normally that would be fine.  However, I have one child that is a test for me.  A test that I feel I fail miserably over and over again.  I have been emotionally, physically, mentally drained for three days now.  I was hoping for a rebound this morning but it hasn't happened yet.  I struggle, with this child and with myself.  Why do I let it get to me?  Why do I act the way I do when I am  pushed by this child?  Usually it happens in the not-so-quiet of our home.  This weekend though it carried to church and to my parents house.  I was glad in a way because they were then able to see what I was talking about when I would describe the situation to them.  They gave me encouragement and advice.  But then I went back home and had to face it again.  My thoughts came back to Katie.  What do I need to do so that when I leave this earth, I can have the same positive impact?  How can I help this one child and this one heart the way she helped so many lives and so many hearts?  I know it is a different set of circumstances, a different kind of change.  As a mother though, I feel such a need to help but I feel so helpless in trying to do it.  Katie's birthday always brings about contemplation and desire for betterment.  This year it has done the same.  I know that there are things I need to do.  Things I need to change in myself.  I can't force this child to change.  That's not my right or privilege, but I can change myself.  Hopefully as I change myself and my heart, the same will begin to happen in this child's heart.  As my heart softens hopefully it will be more open to the spirit and guidance from my Heavenly Father so that I can know what I need to do in these situations and things won't end up in such a frustrating, depressing disaster.  So as I celebrate Katie's birthday in my heart today I also make promises to try to do better so that when I leave this earth I will have impacted this child the way that Katie has impacted those she touched.  Happy Birthday Big Sister and thank you for your short, sweet life here on this earth!

Finding Alone Time

Michael was supposed to start his two week shift yesterday, but it got postponed until today so he was home this morning.  He knew it would be my first and last chance for quite some time so he suggested I go to town all by myself.  It was so nice.  I didn't do anything particularly fun but I got to look at what I wanted to for as long as I wanted to and I didn't have to stop every 20 minutes to go take some one to the bathroom.  When I got home, I felt much more relaxed and ready for the next two weeks.  It will be hard and I am sure by tomorrow I will wish I had some more time to myself but I am grateful Michael suggested I go.  It is the first time I have gone anywhere by myself since we moved here.  I have, however, found other ways to get some time that feels like "alone time".  I have fallen in love with my Kindle.  I take it everywhere with me.  When the kids go to bed, I read.  When I am running on the treadmill, I read.  When I take the kids to McDonalds with an indoor playland, I read.  Who would have thought that McDonalds could be a place to relax and be alone!  Especially when you are in the playland surrounded by crazy, hyper kids running all over the place!  I also get up a few minutes earlier than the kids so I can have a little time to get ready for the day before they all get up and need my help.  I have had to be creative and we have all had to adjust to our new lives here in Green River, but we are doing it.  Things are good.  I am thankful for the noise my children make because it reminds me of my many blessings, but I am also thankful for the quiet times when I can be alone and not needed :)

Added Blessings

Last week I was asked to help with the Relief Society (our women's Sunday school class).  I am supposed to help find people to provide a nursery for our monthly, non-Sunday meetings so that everyone who wants to can come to the meetings and not have to worry about what to do with their kids.  Not the most fun thing for me but that's okay.  After church the Bishop called us all in to his office.  He told us that he had some more "blessings" for our family, if that's how we wanted to look at it.  Zane immediately leans his head back against the chair and groans, rather loudly, "Oh no"!  That brought some laughter to the room!  Anyways, the Bishop then asked me and Michael if we would be willing to teach the adult Sunday School class.  I would teach while he is gone working and he could teach on his off weeks.  Yikes!  I've done this before but as always, I am nervous.  For one, Michael is gone much more than he is here on Sundays so basically I will be the main teacher with him stepping in every few weeks or so.  No big deal.  For another, this is a brand new group of people for us.  I know no one!  I don't know the personalities, the names or the backgrounds of anyone.  It will be a challenge, especially in the beginning.  Another, I am a totally different teacher than the last one.  He did a great job and his style of teaching is completely different than mine.  I hope the class responds positively to the change.  Last, we are studying the New Testament this year.  That overwhelms me too.  I have never taught that.  It will be a challenge for me to learn things well enough that I can then turn around and teach them.  I am grateful for the job and I know that we do receive blessings for serving, but right now I echo Zane's words - "Oh no"!

Picture Catch Up!

I finally got my pictures downloaded to  my computer so now I can play catch up and let you all see what we've been doing for the last couple of months!

These are pictures of the kids the Sunday after Christmas all dressed up and shiny clean :)

Zeke celebrated his 5th birthday after we moved to Wyoming.  As you can see he was very excited about it!  We are so thankful for him and his funny personality.  He always keeps us laughing!  He is also so kind and gentle and he still loves to cuddle which makes me very happy :)

The girls started taking ballet classes from the community college here.  The person in charge is the one who is also in charge of doing the Nutcracker every year so the girls are hoping to get to participate in that next winter.

We managed to make some sugar cookies for Valentine's Day.  The kids enjoyed decorating - and eating them!

Naptime with Daddy.  Michael is gone a lot now with work and Zeke and Olivia love it when they get to spend time with him on his days off - even if it is just laying with him on the couch.

Dillon lost his first tooth and was very excited for a visit from the Tooth Fairy!  Big stuff for a little kid!

Today is crazy sock day at school.  The kids really went all out!  Even Zeke and Olivia are participating from home!  They were quite the sight heading off to school this morning.  Michael told them it would be really funny if it really weren't crazy sock day today and they were the only crazy ones in the school.  That thought didn't seem to bother them.  I think they were as excited about getting to wear shorts with their socks as they were about getting to wear the socks!

So that is our picture catch up.  There are tons more, but I didn't think it necessary to post them all.  Now you know the basics of what life has been like in the Christiansen house since leaving South Dakota.

Storytime

Today I took Zeke and Olivia to storytime at the library.  It was so much fun!  We have been trying to go for several weeks now but we have had school kids home sick so we haven't made it.  This week is Dr. Seuss week.  The kids helped act out a story and then they had one read to them.  Then they made treats.  They were Cat in the Hat hats.  I took pictures with my phone but unfortunately I don't know how to get them on my computer :(  Anyways, you get a round cookie for the brim of the hat.  Then attach half of a marshmallow to it with pink frosting.  Then more pink frosting and another white marshmallow (for the red and white stripes).  They turned out really cute.  Then you get to eat them - the best part of all!  Tomorrow night they are doing another Dr. Seuss event with games, stories and drawings.  I think I will take all the kids and let them enjoy a night there.  We are slowly starting to discover the different things that the area has to offer.  I am excited to discover more!

A Day Like Today...

On days like today I wonder what in the world I am doing!  What have I gotten myself into?  I realize that being a mother always has it's challenges.  I knew that going into it and for the last 10 years it has been reinforced into my mind on a regular basis.  Most days it's okay.  It's just part of life.  Some days though...days like today... I don't even know how to describe what I mean or what exactly makes this day different from others but I think that all you other moms out there can relate to what I am feeling and saying.  On days like today though, I  can hear all those things that were said and hinted to me as I was in the process of bringing all these lovely spirits into the world.  After all, in six and a half years I gave birth to six children adn had a miscarriage.  I was busy.  I can hear the rude comments, see the rolling eyes, and remember all the feelings of hurt from days gone by.  Comments about the number of children or the silent (and sometimes not so silent) counting of my family as we walk by rubs me the wrong way and adds to the frustration I feel.  I think that if all those people who have made all those comments and expressed all those doubts about my sanity and purpose in life could see me today they would be so thrilled to see that they were right!  That also adds to the emotions I carry with me.  Really, it's no one's business but my own (and Michael's).  But, just as little old ladies can't keep from patting a pregnant belly, so well meaning (haha) people can't keep opinions to themselves.  As I said, most days I am fine and I am confident in what I am doing and where I am at.  I know that the children I have, I was supposed to have.  I know the time frame in which I had them was the time frame I was supposed to use.  I knew with each child, when they were supposed to come.  I knew when I was done and I never questioned any of the process.  I had warnings of over doing it, getting to overwhelmed and then it being too late, of hurting my body, of financial stress and even told that my miscarriage was my fault, but I always knew.  These decisions I made (we made) about having children wasn't because I hated using birth control and liked having sex (sorry).  It came through prayer, lots and lots of prayer.  It came through spiritual promptings and comfort.  I fully believe that God is one hundred percent involved in bringing His children to this earth (as long as we allow Him to be).  After all, they are His children.  I fully believe that through God I would know when to and not  to have a child.  He knows me and He knows my capabilities.  He knows my life and the home I would be able to create for His children.  So I turned to Him.  That gave me the strength and comfort to withstand all the other things and go on doing what I knew I should be doing.  But on days like today, I get shaken.  I do get overwhelmed.  I do struggle and those comments and looks come back and haunt me.  So, what do I do?  I go into survival mode!  I think all you moms know that mode.  We go to McDonalds with an indoor playland for lunch and I read my kindle while the kids play.  I eat chocolate and drink Dr. Pepper.  I wear comfy clothes and let the kids watch TV.  I make the most of what I am that day and then hope that tomorrow the cloud has passed and I can step it up a notch.  A day like today, as frustrating as it is, helps me.  It reminds me that I'm not alone.  I didn't get into this all by myself and I don't have to go through it all by myself.  It also reminds me that I don't have to be perfect.  My kids will survive if they have to eat cold cereal for supper and they watch four hours of TV before bedtime.  I will survive and though some days I handle motherhood more gracefully than others, it will all be okay.  I won't ruin my children with one bad day.  I won't ruin my status as mother with one bad day.  I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to make all those people think that I am perfect.  When I was younger, I felt that overwhelming need to prove something to everyone - strangers in the grocery store, people at church, family and friends.  I thought if they saw my weaknesses, my bad days, they too would believe what had been said.  I tried so hard to do everything right - meaning perfect.  Then I would be torn apart as I realized I couldn't live up to what I thought they thought I should be.  Over the years, I have given that up.  Thank goodness!  And I encourage those around me to do the same.  If we all would admit how imperfect we are, if we all admitted to days like today, think of the help and support we could offer each other!  Think of how much happier we would be and  how much easier it would be to get over days like today!  So to all of you reading this - I am having one of those days!  We went to McDonalds for lunch (twice - once just me and the kids and then we went back and met Michael a few hours later).  After our healthy lunch of fast food, I am going to feed them a healthy supper of hotdogs and chips, no vegetables.  We are going to watch a movie tonight, maybe more than one.  We aren't going to bath before bedtime and we probably won't do the dishes either.  My comfy clothes aren't really going to match and I may finish off my bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs with a nice Dr. Pepper.  I may even drink one with caffeine!  (I know rebellious aren't I?)  Then, after the kids go to bed, I am going to sit on the couch, snuggled in a blanket and read until Michael gets home.  I won't fold the laundry or anything else a proper mother and wife would do before going to bed.  And I will be just fine with all of it!  I hope that when you all have one of those days like today that you will do the same!

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Grandpa, Maddi (3) and Makenna (2)

Grandpa walking Maddi and Makenna to the swimming pool

 Grandpa and Dillon in 2006

Today is my Grandpa Cantrell's birthday.  He would have been 92.  He died almost two years ago.  I know I have blogged about him in the past.  He was very special to me.  I loved his visits when he and Granny would come to see us.  My favorite thing to do was to just sit next to him.  He didn't have to talk to me or pay attention to me.  I just liked to sit with him.  I loved to listen to him talk, even when I had no interest in what he was talking about.  He would always pat my arm or leg and tease about some thing or other.  I loved it.  Just being with him brought such joy.  I loved his wing-tipped shoes.  He wore those for as long as I could remember.  I even got myself a pair when I was older just because they were like his.  As he got older he switched to velcro tennis shoes except when he was dressing up for church or something.  He always had a baseball cap.  He always had peanut M&M's too.  His last few years he changed to just plain peanuts because he was trying to be healthier.  He always had a smile for us but he also made sure that we were respectful and obedient.  He didn't put up with naughtiness :)  We always had tricks of some sort to show Granny and Grandpa - jumping off the diving board, doing Dukes of Hazzard jumps through the car window or riding our bikes like wild men.  They were always very impressed!  Anyways, today my thoughts have been on him and I look forward to some day seeing him again.  I love you, Grandpa!













Our last trip to Nashville

A Night Filled With...

WARNING  WARNING  WARNING!!!  If you have a weak stomach or a keen sense of smell, you may not want to read this post :)  Last night around 11:15 I was sound asleep and dreaming.  Then all of the sudden the light was on.  I thought maybe it was morning but wondered why I was still so tired.  Then I looked at the clock and heard Michael say something about Dillon throwing up and still being asleep.  I got up and about the time I hit our doorway I was greeted by the most awful smell I have ever smelled.  It was sour and rank and so strong. Michael had gotten Dillon in the bathroom helping him change his clothes and clean him up.  I went in to check his bed.  There was a huge pile of puke on the edge of his bed that also ran down the wall and onto the floor.  As I mentioned earlier it was the most awful smelling stuff I have ever smelled.  I got his sheet off his bed, found the pillows and stuffed animals that had also been contaminated and put them all in the bathroom sink.  Then I got several towels and went to work trying to clean the mattress, wall, bed frame and floor.  It was disgusting.  Michael got Dillon all cleaned up and put a new shirt on him.  Then Dillon went into our bedroom while we finished cleaning things up.  I went to work rinsing everything out in the toilet.  Last time I did this I washed everything out in the bathtub.  Big mistake!!  If you do it in the bathtub you have to clean out the chunks with your hands (I warned you).  So I did it in the toilet so I could just flush it all down.  The toilet water is very cold! I got it all washed out, the bathroom wiped down and laundry started.  We made a bed for Dillon on the loveseat and Michael slept on the couch to keep an eye on him during the night.  I went back to bed after spraying air freshener through out the house.  When I went to my room, it had a horrible sour smell.  I checked the bathroom and the bedroom and found nothing.  I decided it was just leftover stench from Dillon's vomit and tried to go back to sleep.  At 3 am I woke to the sound of bath water running.  I wanted to pretend to sleep through it all because I knew that meant there had been another accident of some sort but my guilt got to me and I got up to see what I could do to help.  I went into the bathroom and there was Dillon covered from the waste down in diarrhea.  Poor kid.  It was awful.  This smell out did the last smell and Michael was gagging as he was trying to help clean him up.  He would do a wipe and then have to walk out of the room and then come back in for another wipe.  I took over and immediately realized that at some other time during the night Dillon had another accident and it was dried on his stinky little bum.  There would be no wiping that off!  I took him into my bathroom and had him stand under the shower to soften it so we could get him cleaned up.  That's when I realized what the smell was in my bedroom earlier.  It was him.  He didn't realize he had messed his pants before he threw up during the night.  Michael didn't realize it either when he was cleaning him up.  Anyways...Michael got him all washed off while I once again went to the bathroom and cleaned things out in the toilet.  The water was still very cold.  The smell was so bad that by the time I was done I felt as if I was going to be sick.  I don't know what all he had sitting in his system and how long it had been there but it was horrible!  I cleaned the bathroom and started another load of laundry.  Then back to bed we all went.  The alarm went off this morning and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get out of bed.  I laid there until 7am and finally drug myself out of bed and got the kids up.  The smells from during the night still linger here and there around the house but the overwhelming stench has gone away.  Michael is off to work this morning and the other kids are off to school.  Dillon is, of course, home sick.  He is doing better, sipping 7 up and eating bananas.  I was going to take Zeke and Olivia to story time but that will have to wait until next week.  I was supposed to clean apartments today too, but that won't be happening either.  Hopefully this will pass soon and we will get a good nap in this afternoon!  Sorry for all the lovely descriptions but I did warn you so if you made it this far and you are now sick to your stomach, it's no one's fault but your own!

Truman or Washington?

That has been the question around our house for the last week or so.  When we moved here almost two months ago the kids started school at Truman Elementary.  It seems to be a good school and the kids have all made friends and are enjoying it.  Two weeks ago we moved across town.  Now we live in the Washington school district.  I had originally planned on keeping them in Truman at least until the end of the year.  Once we got here though, my thoughts and plans started changing.  I talked to Michael about it and my parents (they are more familiar with all the schools and personnel) and I talked to the kids about it.  Some wanted to switch, some didn't.  Truman is over three miles away (I know, big deal).  Washington is across the back yard.  Life would be so much easier if they could just walk through the back yard and get to school instead of having to load everyone up and take them across town.  Plus, when some one is sick, do you leave them at home alone or make them get up and go in the car.  Not a fun choice either way.  After much thought and consideration, we decided to switch schools.  I hate to put the kids through that transition again so quickly, but I feel it will be better in the long run.  They will meet kids in the neighborhood, they will be able to walk or ride bikes to school (a dream they all have) and I won't have to worry about hauling everyone everyday.  With Michael gone so much now, I have the bulk of the responsibility at home so I have to simplify life so it works for all of us.  Anyways, They will finish out the week at Truman and then on Monday they will go to Washington.  I hope and pray that they find friends quickly and that the transition goes smoothly for them!

6 Red Roses and 1 White Rose

That's what my dad gets for my mom pretty much every Valentine's Day.  She loves it.  It represents her children.  The six red roses are for those of us still living.  The one white rose is for Katie who died about 39 years ago.  That has become her symbol in all of dad's floral arrangements.  The white rose is Katie.  Last night when we were over there for piano lessons I was looking at the beautiful flowers on her table.  They were more beautiful because I knew the meaning of them.  Then I started looking at the single white rose.  It was so white and pure.  Katie died when she was 2 years old.  In our church, we believe that we were sent to the earth for two reasons.  One was to get a physical body so we could be like our Father in Heaven.  The other was to be tested and tried.  We needed to show Heavenly Father that we were willing to be obedient and follow Him even when it was hard.  In our church we are baptized at the age of eight years old.  We believe that is when a child is old enough to really know right from wrong and be accountable for their actions.  If a child dies before the age of eight we believe that they were perfect and needed no testing.  They were pure, righteous spirits from our Heavenly Father and only needed to come and get a body or help some one else.  We also believe this about the special people here on this earth who have mental handicaps and things like that.  We all know these special spirits who, through their disabilities and illnesses are able to touch those around them and change lives for the good.  Katie was one of those special spirits.  She came to earth for a short time, but the affects of her little life are still changing people.  As I stared at that pure, white rose and thought of Katie, my heart was touched.  How blessed we are to have her as part of our family.  How blessed we are to have, through her, been brought to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  How blessed we were as I and three of my brothers served missions in Ireland, Chile, Argentina, Guatemala and Honduras and spread that gospel to all those who would listen.  How blessed we are to know that even though right now we are a red rose, filled with shortcomings and mistakes, we can someday through the blood of Christ become a white rose too.  That we can be pure and clean and ready to enter in to the presence of our Heavenly Father.  Yesterday was a day to express love and appreciation to those we love.  What greater love have we been shown than the life that our Brother, Jesus Christ, gave for us?  There is no greater love.  There is no greater gift.  As I looked at Katie's white rose, it gave me more determination to give thanks to my Savior and my Heavenly Father by becoming more obedient, more submissive, meek and humble.  To stay on my knees when I stumble while at the same time standing up and being a light to those around me.  I hope that at the end of all this, when my time comes to stand before God and be judged, that I, along with the rest of my family, will be able to stand next to Katie and be made pure and clean and become a white rose too.