Thursday, September 8, 2016

The Writing of My Heart

Sometimes the storms of life become overwhelming and seemingly endless.  They surround us like a winter blizzard and all we can see is the storm swirling around us.  We feel anxious, helpless, alone and scared.  Right now, my heart is in one of those blizzards.  While there are promises of ease in the future, the storm is so strong that those promises seem impossible.  Michael's grandma, one of my most favorite people, always says, "This too shall pass."  I hope she is right.  Writing is one of my stress relievers.  It helps me put into words the thoughts and feelings inside of me.  Thoughts and feelings that I would never be able to say out loud.  So today, I took some time to be alone and let the impact of the storm be processed.  Here are the writings of my soul today.  I hope that sometime in the near future, the writings will be of rainbows that have come after the storm, but today the storm still rages.

                                                                                                                                 
                             

Standing on the hillside, all alone
Broken down and crumbling
A shadow of the home from years ago
Once filled with warmth and laughter
Smiles, love and togetherness
A place where a million memories were made
Now empty and hollow
Cold, dark and forgotten
The windows that once reflected light
Now are broken and gone
The door that once allowed loved ones to enter
Now hangs, creaking in the wind
Only the creatures of the dark enter through the threshold
The walls that once stood tall and firm
Providing safety from the outside world
Now bend and bow in the wind and storms
Ready to crash down at any moment

My heart, much like this home, is shadowed
Broken down and crumbling
The laughter and smiles of the past replaced with sorrow
The happy memories are now questions and emptiness
My heart feels forgotten by those that should have never left
Once reflecting warmth like the windows of days gone by
It is now broken, dark and alone
Once open to the love of dear ones
Now hangs and hungers in the silence of the night
Wondering how to erase the pain that is filling it
Once filled and firm in the love that it felt
Now aches and hurts from the storms that have come
Ready to crash down at any moment.

                                                                                                                                    


Where is the Light to brighten the darkness?
Where is the Sun to warm the cold?
Where is the Love to push out the hurt?
Where is the Peace to quiet the questions?
Where is the Strength to heal the brokenness?
Where is the Safety to calm the aching?
Where is the Comfort to erase the pain?
I know it is somewhere but I can't seem to see
Where to reach out to and have Him touch me

My heart broken by ones
With whom I should never have doubted
Trusts breached, confidence shaken
Doubt filling the cracks
How can I trust again, promises?
How do I know He'll come?
What if I do reach out
And there is only emptiness to grab on to?
How will I go on then?

So I stand here, turning in circles
The whirlwinds spinning around me
Hoping that if His promises are sure
He will catch me before I fall
Hoping that His love will be so strong
That it will push out the doubt and mistrust
That it will fill all the broken pieces
And heal my aching heart


                                                                                                                                    


Emptiness surrounds me
Life will never be the same
A part of it is broken
And may never heal again
What will the future hold?
Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas time?
Each day will come and go
But not like they used to be
A little part will be missing
And in it's place sadness and if only
There will still be days of gladness and joy
Fun times and happy memories made
But back in the corner of my mind
There will always be an ache
A little piece of my heart will always be left out
Broken and missing the experiences life gives
There will always be an "I wish I could..."
But it won't be able to happen
So because of that my heart will always have sadness
And my eyes will always hold a tear


                                                                                                                                      

Please don't judge me for my seeming lack of faith.  We all have battles that we have to fight and storms we have to trudge through.  Our battles are not always picture perfect and by the book.  Each fight is different, each storm comes with different strengths.  Some days we fight with more faith.  Other days we just endure and hope that more strength comes the next day.  Each battle shapes us.  Each storms molds us a little differently.  Each comes with lessons to be learned.  Be the one who lifts those battling up.  Be the one who helps clear the path through the storm and holds a light in the darkness.  The person battling may not respond right away.  They may not be able to.  Sometimes it takes a while to see the light through the darkness, to gain the strength to grab hold of a helping hand.   I have been blessed by several hands that have kept me from falling - kind words, listening ears, ice cream, hugs, flowers and angel food cake, love.  For them, I am forever grateful.  Someday, I don't know when, those rainbows will come and they will be held up by those hands that have been reached out through all of this.

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