A child's eyes can tell you so much about what they are feeling. You can look in their eyes and see excitement, joy, comfort, security, love, fear, sadness, confusion, hurt, frustration, so many things. Lately one of my children has been having a struggle. It is something that has developed over the last couple of years. It wasn't until the end of this last school year that we got some answers that finally made a little sense to us. It explained him and some of his tendencies. Summer started and he relaxed and most of his symptoms kind of disappeared. The last few weeks though they have started to come back with even more added to them. However, the new symptoms have kind of thrown me for a loop and I am not sure where to go with them. It is frustrating and at times maddening to try to deal or help him deal with things at times. Yesterday was an especially hard day for him. By the time the day was over I was at a complete loss as of what to do. I feel the other kids need some sort of explanation, yet I don't even know what it is I need to explain. Sometimes I feel he needs an explanation, yet I don't know what I would tell him either.
Through out the day I kept looking in his eyes. His eyes made me hurt inside. I could see the anger, the frustration, the sadness. As the other kids would tell me how he behaved, his eyes would fill with tears. I knew he was struggling and I felt so helpless. I wanted to protect him from whatever it was he was feeling. I wanted to make it all better but I didn't know how.
After all the other kids had gone to bed I sat him in my lap and talked to him. He had no explanation for his behavior. I didn't know what he understood, if anything, about what was going on. I didn't know if he was aware of some of his actions. I didn't want to add more burden if he wasn't aware but I wanted to be able to explain things to him if he was aware. He was very teary eyed and emotional. He could hardly talk without crying. I asked him if he ever did things he didn't want to do but couldn't stop or if his body ever did things that he couldn't control. He started crying really hard and said yes. He said sometimes he gets really mad and he doesn't want to but he doesn't know how to stop it, then he does things that he doesn't want to do.
We rocked a little longer and he calmed down. Then he started crying again. When I asked him why he was crying he told me that every time he thinks about what he did he feels so bad. This little child of mine is one of the sweetest spirits I know. He is always looking for ways to help, always asking what he can do. He leaves notes on my bed and draws me special pictures. He hugs me and loves to be with me and his daddy. He is extremely smart and remembers everything! He is gentle and kind. That's why the things that are happening are so frustrating for him and for me. We don't know why. I don't know how to help or where to go with it. I don't know if everything that is happening is connected or if there are multiple things going on. All I know is that it hurts.
Today his eyes are better. There is calm in them and a lightness about them. He has had a much better day. Today his eyes make me smile and bring me peace. Today we will embrace that and make the most of it. We will enjoy the happiness of today and do our best to keep the shine in his eyes.