Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Quiet Tears in the Dark

Lunch time couldn't get here fast enough today.  After four classes of PE and six kids spending a few after class minutes with me, I grabbed my lunch, went into my office and sat in the dark.  I got out my salad only to realize I had not brought a fork.  Not trusting my emotions, I dared not go back into the lounge full of teachers to retrieve a fork, so I sat.  Life overwhelmed me and the tears began to flow.  There was no sobbing, just quiet tears.  I grabbed my phone and began to read some scriptures from my scripture app.  I have been studying faith so I returned to the Topical Guide and continued my studying.

In 1 Timothy 6:10-12 it says:
"For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
But thou, O man of God, flee from these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life,whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses."

Then more tears came - quiet, more intense tears.  The last few days have been kind of hard.  Michael was dealing with all sorts of drama at work.  Drama that had me scared for his well being and safety, and also the safety of me and my children.  Things have calmed down, but there is still a fear in the back of my mind that it has not completely gone away and Michael is not 100% safe yet.  That has caused added stress to the days.

Another stress (a constant stress) is just trying to go day to day and make ends meet.  Life is getting more expensive and some times the stress of getting ends met is impossible.  Medical bills, schooling needs, sports, gas, groceries, etc.  The normal day to day things that everyone faces in some way or the other.  There are days it just becomes so overwhelming.

Pile today's school day on top of that and wow!  I made a mistake that upset one of Makenna's classmates and I had to go apologize to her and explain what had happened so that she didn't think I had purposely tried to do anything.  Then I got to deal with some kids who chose not to listen or participate.  I try to be patient with the kids and realize that they are kids, but I also have to help them understand that they do have expectations to live up to and that there are consequences when they don't do that.  It's hard to find that balance sometimes.

So I sat, in the dark, reading through my tears.  Why did this particular scripture hit me?  Well, just the other night I was talking to Michael, asking him if he ever second guessed moving here.  Things have been tougher than we thought and some days it feels like it is too much.  I have already told about all that we went through when we decided to move here.  The harsh words and warnings spoken still ring loudly in my ears.  When stressful times like this arise, those words are louder and it is hard to hear other things through the ringing. 

As I read this scripture, the ringing stopped and I could feel the words being spoken to me.  Michael and I left a good paying job to come to a lower paying job.  We left so that Michael didn't have to spend his days in a place filled with all sorts of bad things.  We left because we wanted our kids to grow up in a place where they could have horses, play on haystacks and ride their bikes around town with out having to worry about anything but the occasional golf cart driving by.  We left so that our family could be together.  Our family was more important than the money and other things.  We knew that we needed to change things.  When this job was offered we knew that it was what we needed to do.  So we came. 

Life isn't supposed to be easy.  Just because we have challenges doesn't mean that we are doing the wrong thing.  All it means is that life is happening.  It is hard, very hard at times.  We do get bombarded with outside noises and voices telling us differently from what we know.  It's hard to block it out.  It's hard to stop and push those things out so that we can feel the peace that we need.  Today, that scripture helped me do that.  I was able, just for a minute, to push everything out of my mind and feel my Heavenly Father speak to me in my heart.  Through quiet tears in the dark, I was able to find what I needed to pull myself together and finish out the day.

1 comment:

Sheri said...

This post spoke to me because I really get it. Throughout our married life we have been guided and made choices that didn't always make sense logically. Life was hard and occasionally I doubted our inspiration... But then I would remember and could not deny it. We plugged away and some how we were always able to feed our kids and fix the brakes and pay dr bills, etc. THEN this job showed up. After 25 years of marriage we got this awesome job that came ONLY because of the experience that ALMA got on that very hard road. ALL of his experience led us to where we are.... Remember proverbs 3: 5-6.

I'm sorry you had a bad day today, hang in there. Remember Phillip. 4: 13