For several years I have been trying to find something. I wasn't sure what. I felt like I needed to do something more with my life. Something that would allow me to still be the mother that I needed to be but also give me something of my own and a way to help out the family financially if ever needed. I looked at different degrees. There were some that caused a little interest but nothing that interested me enough to pursue anything. I looked at different job options and nothing felt right. Still I felt this urge or need or desire or something to keep looking.
When we moved here I started subbing. All my kids were in school for the first time so I had my days free. I loved subbing and getting to know the kids and the staff. I thought maybe this was what I was looking for but I still had this emptiness or lack of something in the back of my mind. I don't know how to describe it. I just felt something was still missing and that there was more out there for me. I thought about school again but I still felt something lacking.
I had regular conversations with Michael about what I could do and it all ended with an "I don't know. I don't know what to do."
Then everything changed a few weeks ago... I can't go into details yet because not everything has come together yet. But I will say that for the first time I am excited and very motivated! There are times that my nerves go crazy with all the "what ifs" but then a calm comes over me and I relax and know that everything is going to be ok. I know that doesn't mean that it will all work out the way I am planning, but I do know that it means everything will be ok and turn out the way it is supposed to.
I have support and encouragement from my friends here and many offers of help. It is kind of scary taking a step into the dark. I am trying to do something that I have never done before. Everything ahead of me right now is completely new to me. This is going to be such a huge learning experience. I will grow in ways that wouldn't be possible in other situations and my family will grow too. The possibilities are endless. This will be something that can grow and change with our family and something that has the potential to provide many blessings.
I know I am making it sound like a too perfect dream. I know there will be headaches and frustrations along the way, but for once the good seems to outweigh the bad. This is something that has been floating around in my head for years but the timing was never right. At one point my kids were all too small, later on Michael's job didn't allow it to happen. Now, things are different. Our kids are older, Michael's job is different, our ideas are different and I am ready.
I feel like I am being led in this. I feel the Lord's hand in this and it gives me strength and joy. In the scriptures it says: "Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy." They also say: "But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought." In the past I have had a stupor of thought. Things just haven't come together. This time however, I feel like my mind has been enlightened and Michael's too. We have both been able to talk and come up with ideas and work things out so that this would work with our family and our life.
I am excited to see how this all turns out, what I will learn and where this journey will lead. Maybe after all these years, my search is finally over.