Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could hardly stand it? It was all you thought about, all you talked about and what you dreamed about at night. I have. In fact right now I am going through that. In my last blog I talked about how I had finally found something that I felt fulfilled what I had been looking for for the last few years. I have been so excited. It is seriously the topic of all my conversations, controls all my thoughts and it is what I go to sleep dreaming about.
Have you ever had to walk away from something like that? Have you ever had to step back and acknowledge that maybe now is not the time? I have. It is hard. It is very hard. This is something that I have thought about off and on for years. Something that has always been in the back of my mind. Something that I love. I thought that we had finally figured out a way to make it happen. I thought we had finally figured out a way to make it work with our family. Well, after meetings yesterday and lots of conversations and paperwork, I'm not so sure. After all of that I think that once again I will have to walk away.
I wanted it so badly! I imagined what it would be like in the coming years. How it could bless myself and my family. How it could become a place of fond memories, comfort and family time. But I also have to think of the right now. How will it affect our right now? To go out on this business venture the way that it seems I will have to do, will be hard to do right now with my kids still at home needing me.
I read a quote the other day that says: "You have nothing in this world more precious than your children." My dream when I was little was to be a mother. When I got older and went to college I really had nothing that school could offer that I wanted to be when I grew up. Still the only thing I wanted to be was a mother. I got a degree in preschool education so that I could work if needed and still be with my children. Luckily over the last thirteen years of marriage I have not had to work. Now my children are all in school and I have been looking for something for me to do. What do I want to be when I grow up is coming back to my mind. I have found what I want to be. The only problem? It interferes with my original dream of being a mother.
I started back to school when I was pregnant with Zane. I don't know why. I guess I just thought that I should. During that first semester I had strong feelings that now was not the time. I finished off that semester and didn't go back. I stayed home with my children. Maddi was 6 1/2 when Olivia was born. I was very busy taking care of my little crew. I loved it! There were bad days of course. Days when I called Michael and told him that if he didn't come home quickly he was going to be minus a child or two! There were days (still are) when I officially declared that my name was no longer Mommy and that I would not be answering when that name was called - I was off duty! But despite those days, I still loved it and I loved being able to stay home and be involved with them.
Last year my youngest headed to kindergarten. I started walking in the mornings with a couple of friends. I helped coach cross country and basketball. I subbed. I went to their classrooms and made treats with them. I went grocery shopping by myself!! I spent the weekends going to ball tournaments with them and eating concession stand food. I loved it! Through all of that though, I wanted something for me. Maybe I am selfish. I know Michael has dreams too that he has had to push away. Things he would love to do that he probably could do if he wasn't a husband and father. I know that I have nothing more precious than my family. I know they need to come first.
Even though they are all in school now they still need me. One of the questions raised in my meeting yesterday was "how is this going to affect the other areas of your life, including your husband's job? What are you going to do when you have kids home puking and you have to be gone and your husband has to go to work?" Good question. Who will go to Maddi's cross country meets? Who will eat lunch with my kids when it is their meal of the month? Who will make Easter Bunny cars in their classrooms? Is what I am pursuing good for us right now? In the future, yes, there would be great benefits. But right now? I don't know. Would I be trading what is most precious for something that isn't as important?
"The most important work you will ever do will be in the walls of your own home." That is another quote that I have tried to remember through out the years. My most important work is a Mother. My first dream, after realizing that I indeed would never be a pro football player, was to be a mother. My second dream, after trying out for the Vikings and not making it, may have to stay on hold for awhile. I guess, what I have realized is that I can't allow this dream to interfere with the dream I am already living.
It is hard to say that. Last night I went to bed with tears in my eyes. This morning those tears are still there. I want it so badly! And if I walk away now I don't know if I will ever get the chance again. But my family is a forever thing. It is not just for right now. What I am building within the walls of my home is more important than anything I can do outside the walls of my home. So in regards to the last post... yes, my search is over. I did find the thing that I had been looking for. It is something that I would love and be passionate about. It is something that has potential to bring blessings. I haven't given up on it but unless something changes it is going to have to wait. Maybe some day I will find a way to make it work. Maybe some day, when my kids don't need my presence and driving skills so much, I can pursue it again. For now though, I will continue to live the dream I started 13 years ago.