While I am extremely tired, sleep is far from me. Tonight I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of motherhood. As a mother, there is so much to do. Not only do we take care of things at home like cooking, cleaning, chores, feeding, bathing and everything else in between we are also responsible for teaching, leading, guiding and preparing.
I have mentioned before on this blog that I am not a patient person. I lose patience with myself, my husband, our kids and even our dog. I lose my temper. I'm sure I have even thrown a tantrum or two :) My kids probably wonder what they ever did to God to deserve to get put with me for this sojourn here on earth. I have wondered that too sometimes - what ever it was, it must have been a doozy!
Seriously though, I do my best. I am far from perfect. I live for the quote that says children will be given strengths for their parents weaknesses. I hope that is true and if it is my children will be some of the strongest people in the world!
When we see our children do something they shouldn't or fall short of our expectations for them we start to wonder what we are doing wrong. That is where I am tonight. I look back and think, what could I have done differently. If I would have said this or done that would things be different? Did I yell too much or come down too hard or let things go that should have been addressed? Did I teach with love or did anger rule my teaching? Did they feel that they could come to me or had I made myself unavailable to them? Should I have hugged more, complimented more, smiled more or stopped to listen more?
I know all this questioning doesn't fix or change anything, but as a mother I feel this huge responsibility to help my children be successful in all areas of life and when I see them start to struggle I immediately wonder where I fell short. It hurts to watch them struggle. It hurts to watch them fail. It hurts to see them pull away. It hurts to see them hurt and not know exactly how to help them. I know their struggles make them stronger and their failures can help them achieve more success. I know sometimes pulling away brings the realization that they were stronger than they thought or that they need their family more than they thought. But it still hurts.
It is during those times that I hope I have not failed in my teaching. It is times like those that I hope my weaknesses have not made them weak. It is those times that I hope they can remember the things I have said and done and that they will know where to turn for peace and change. I have taught them to pray. I have taught them to read their scriptures. I have taught them repentance and seeking for forgiveness with humility. I have taught them to treat others with respect and kindness. I have taught them to serve. I have taught them to be honest and work hard. I have taught them to follow the example of the Savior. I have taught them that they are of royal birth, children of God. I have taught them that He loves each and everyone of them and that I love each and every one of them.
I hope as they go through life, they remember and are able to draw on those teachings and find strength to rise above and continue on, to take the high road and become better. And should they ever find themselves wandering and lost, that they remember the love that I have for them and that God has for them and allow that love to bring them back to a place of peace and joy.