Saturday, February 23, 2013

Do You Ever...?

Do you ever have one of those days where you look around you and wonder what you are doing and if you are needed?  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I feel like I am in slow motion while those around me are doing important things with their lives and moving forward in a positive direction.  I see friends getting new jobs, earning degrees, getting fit, going to fun and exciting places, doing fun and creative things with their families and for their homes, helping their communities, etc.  And I wonder, what am I doing?  Where am I going?  What is my importance?  Would I even be missed if I was gone?  Would anyone even notice?  It's not that I am not happy for these friends - I am.  I think it's great to see them succeed and enjoy the things life has given them.  I just wonder, what am I?  I am 38 years old.  I am a mother of 6.  I have 50 extra pounds and lots of stretch marks I carry around to prove that I gave birth to all 6 :) I have started substitute teaching.  I have helped coach cross country and 5th grade basketball.  But what am I?  There are so many things that I have wanted to do but circumstances in life have gotten in the way.  What is my importance? 

I guess there are days when it feels like life is passing me by and maybe I have missed something.  I see what others have accomplished and I haven't.  I see what others do everyday and I can't do the same.  Some days I just feel so frumpy and unimportant!  The last few days have been hard that way.  Even if I get my "nice" clothes on, do my hair and put on my makeup I still feel like less of a person as I wander around through my day.  Eventually I pull out of it and most of the time I am ok with myself, but occasionally I get down and wonder about my individual importance.

Why do I blog about this?  I'll tell you.  When I was first married, I lived in the area that my husband grew up in.  There were all these wealthy farmers with these perfect wives.  They had beautiful homes, perfect families, clothes that weren't wrinkled or spit up on.  They just seemed perfect in every way.  As a young wife and mother, this is what I had to compare myself to.  With three children under the age of three I was always a mess!  My house was small and covered in toys and baby items, my clothes were always wrinkled and covered with some sort of baby bodily fluid, my hair was lucky to get combed and I was always ragged and tired.  One day I went with one of the ladies to visit one of these "perfect" women.  When we got to her house, she answered the door and she had forgotten we were coming.  We went inside and her living room was covered with laundry, her clothes didn't match, her hair wasn't done and she had on no make up!  I will tell you, this was one of the happiest days of my life!  This woman, who I had pegged as perfect, looked just like I felt and her house looked very similar to mine - she just had clothes instead of toys.  I realized that she was not perfect!  I realized that I was not as bad as I thought I was.  Here I was trying to pretend I was perfect worried that if anyone ever found out I wasn't I would somehow not be able to go on being a wife and mother :)

From that day on I decided that I was going to let people know I had faults (as if they didn't already know that).  I realized that maybe some one was watching me thinking the same thing that I had thought of these ladies (yeah right!) and putting herself down because she didn't think she would ever measure up.  We are given our life experiences, strengths and weaknesses, to help those around us.  If we never let people know of them, we can never be of help to them.

What does this have to do with me being in a slump?  Well, there may be other people who feel the same as I do.  Maybe feeling that way makes them wonder if they are less of a person.  By me telling the world that sometimes I feel like this, maybe it helps calm their troubles knowing that they are not the only ones.  I know what it feels like to be down and feel rather worthless and invisible.  I know what it feels like to be compared to others and to compare myself to others.  It hurts.  But knowing I am not alone helps.  And seeing that those I hold up and revere have those same feelings helps me not feel so inadequate and different. 

1 comment:

Zach and Sarah said...

No, you are definitely not alone. I was feeling slumpish just a few weeks ago. Having some of those same thoughts and feelings. Something I read made me start to think. It was about how we need to redefine success. I don't know why I tend to define it as I do, but I realized that she was exactly right. So now I define success as 5 children alive at the end of the day:)