I am not a verbal person, in that I don't like to speak my mind or talk about emotional things directly to people. I get nervous and flustered and worried that I might offend. So instead, I write. It not only allows me to say what I want to say, but it relieves stress for me as well. So here goes....
I just want to express what is in my heart and on my mind. I feel like, with some, I have been made to be the bad guy in this whole job and moving situation - like I am doing something wrong or out to hurt some one. I'm not! I am trying to do what is best for my family! As much as I would like to I can't make everyone happy. I just can't! I have to do what is best for me and my family and I can't worry about anything else. I know this move comes as hard news to some and I feel horrible about that. If I could, I would take it all away but I can't. There are hard things for me too. We are leaving good schools, family, some of us are leaving good friends, I am leaving the first house we ever owned and while it wasn't the nicest of homes, it was mine and I enjoyed making plans for how I wanted it to be. BUT, we are doing what we feel is best for our family. There is great joy in this decision. I feel guilty about those that may be hurt. I am not trying to abandon or anything else like that. I am sorry if I am happy about it but I can't help it. This is an answer to our prayers. This is what we have been waiting for. Not only are we going back to a place that we never wanted to leave in the first place, to people that we never wanted to leave, but we are going to a place that will allow Michael to be back home with us. Michael's mom pout it perfectly the other night, right now he is a visitor in his own home. It is so true! Now he will be able to be in our lives on a daily basis. There will be no more putting little kids to bed crying because they miss their daddy, no more breakdowns by older ones who need daddy there, no more sad Sunday nights as we stand at the door and tell him goodbye for two weeks. Our family will be back together. That is what is most important to us and if it means we have to leave here then that is what we will do.
Last night, in the middle of the night, I woke to Olivia coughing and choking in her bed. She couldn't get her breath. It scared me. She has had croup many times and it has resulted in several trips to the ER. All I could do was lay there with her propped on pillows and pray that she didn't need to go there. I had to be up at 5:30 to take the two older girls to school by 6:30 for their much anticipated trip. I had three others that would be sleeping. How would I get her to the ER and get the girls to school and take care of the other three too. So I lay there from 2:30 to 4:00 hoping that she would settle down. She did and for that I am grateful. What if she didn't though? What would I have done? How could I have done it all by myself? Michael was gone and all the responsibility was mine. I never did go back to sleep last night. The worry from Olivia, the stress from having to deal with it alone, and the responsibility of getting everyone where they needed to go kept me from sleep for the rest of the night. I realize that there are people who do it alone all the time. I know that, but I have the opportunity to not have to do that anymore. I have the opportunity to have my husband back home with me and nothing is going to make me want anything else.
So if you have taken this move as a personal offense, please don't. Please understand me and what I have gone through, what Michael has gone through and what our children have gone through. Please don't be mad at me and make me feel guilty over a decision that should be bringing me joy. You may think that there will be holes left where we were, but the Lord will fill those holes. He always has and He always will. Life is full of change and challenges, but He is always there to help us over the bumps. I refuse to be sad over this move. I refuse to let others push their feelings on me and smother the joy that I am feeling. I refuse to let anything get in the way of my family being together. I have loved many aspects of living here. I have met many new people and made friends who will forever be in my heart. My children have had many wonderful experiences here, but I am ready to have my husband back and our family life the way it was meant to spent - together.