Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Caution: This is a Downer Blog!

Sorry, but I warned you :)  Sometimes a girl just has to vent and seeing that I was sitting in McDonalds crying today while Olivia played on the playland makes it one of those times.  I will say right up front though despite what I am about to write, I know that my life isn't that bad and that everything will be just fine.  It's just one of those days and so I will blog about it because I can!  I guess I am feeling quite overwhelmed with life right now.  We moved here for better financial stability and an opportunity to be near family again.  We got both.  We have more income than we have ever had.  We've been able to do more than we have ever been able to do.  We have regular visits with family and have gotten to know cousins, aunts and uncles.  It has been great in that respect.  What isn't so great is that in the meantime we have lost time with Michael.  He is gone two out of every three weeks.  I am parenting alone and that gets very hard sometimes.  There are some nights that we have three or four different things going on in different places and I am the one trying to get everyone everywhere and still keep track of the housed, get laundry done and make meals.  I volunteer at school, I sing in the church choir, I am soccer mom, basketball mom, dance mom, scout mom and soon to be baseball and softball mom.  Now I know others do it, but I don't like it!  We moved here with different expectations.  Michael's employer conveniently left out some very important details!  We have now found out that he is soon to be shipped to North Dakota for two weeks at a time.  I hate that thought.  I hate being alone all the time.  I hate our limited time and conversations, I hate that he misses out on so much of the family.  To me, money is not worth it.  I know we need a certain amount to survive, but anything beyond that is not worth it!  I have some that think I am crazy, wimpy, what ever...I am told to stop complaining (I don't usually complain.  Sometimes I talk about our situation to certain others but only because I don't have Michael here to talk about it with).  I try not to be a wimp.  I try to have a good attitude so Michael doesn't feel bad.  Some days though, I break down.  Not while he's here.  I'll admit, we were kind of excited (not sure that's the word but it's the one I am going to use) to move here and try out this new adventure.  We've been here for over a year now and it has not been what we expected.  Bottom line - we miss Sout Dakota.  We miss our friends (me especially.  Finding friends here has not been very successful for me).  We miss our lifestyle.  We miss Michael.  He has applied for a job there and we are hoping that he gets it and that it works out financially for us.  I get so lonely here and overwhelmed.  It gets very frustrating for me.  As I stated above, I know people do it all the time and it is fine.  I know everything will turn out okay.  I know that if we are supposed to stay here, we will and we will make it work ust like we are doing  now.  I know that if we are supposed to go elsewhere then it will work out that way too.  I am very grateful for all that we have been given, I truly am.  I know we were blessed to find this job to get us out of the financial situation we were in.  I know we were blessed to get this job because so many don't have one.  I know we were blessed to find this house for this price and even though it is a fixer-upper, we already have equity in it.  There are so many blessings.  But I have also discovered some of the things in my life that are much more important to me than I realized.  I guess it goes along with the saying "you don't know what you got until it's gone".  I have found that most of the things that are important to me and how I want to raise my family are not here right now and I want them back.  That's basically what it boils down to.  As I said, sorry for the downer.  I promise next blog won't be so heavy :)

4 comments:

Katie said...

Miss you friend!

Emma said...

miss you too!

Julie said...

After being in a very similar position for 3 years, I understand your frustration. I really was a little overwhelmed at the thought of moving to Canada and leaving behind all of our wonderful friends and ward in Ohio, but it has been such a blessing to have Steve home almost every night for dinner! He is much happier too. It was exhausting flying to a different city every Monday morning and returning home at midnight Thursday evening or sometimes Friday afternoons. The last six months on the P&G project, he flew to a different city every night of the week. Yet he was always so cheerful and kind to me and the kids while we chatted via webcam or telephone. I wish I can say that I was always as cheerful. :)

Emma said...

Julie, I used to always wonder how you did it! I told Michael many times how I could never do it all by myself like you did. Yet, here I am, two weeks at a time, doing it. I guess you have to do what you have to do! I look forward to not having to do it though :)