Monday, October 25, 2010

Early Morning

This morning I awoke from a strange dream in which I had given up some of my children for adoption.  The lady who adopted Dillon made him call her mom and me Emma.  When he would pass me on the street he would always wave and say "hi Emma" and would start crying.  I decided that I didn't want to put them up for adoption after all and took them back.  Strange and sad, I know.  I think it is a sign of the stress I am feeling right now.  This all happened at 2:45 this morning.  I never went back to sleep.  When the alarm went off at 6:45, I had already been up for 4 hours.  My mind is just crazy right now.  See, it hit me that we are only 2 months away from the end of the year.  That means, because of the changes here at the ranch, we have a lot to do before January.  We have to find a job and a place to live.  I have to pack an entire house trying to weed out anything and everything that is not absolutely necessary (which I am not good at).  I have to help 6 children say goodbye to friends again and help them adjust to another move and I have to deal with taking a step into the unknown and not let anyone know how scared I am about it.  During all of this we also have to celebrate Makenna's 9th birthday, Maddi's 10th birthday, Michael's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.   Frustrated and overwhelmed are understatements of what I am feeling right now.  I know it will all come together, it always does, but that does not necessarily make the steps easier.  I think the kids are also feeling these emotions.  They know that Michael has been looking for a job.  They know that moving is a possibility and they are unsure what to do with it all.  They are wound up and I'm not sure how to ease their minds.  Dillon last night was talking about Christmas.  Somehow he got in his head that if Michael got a new job he would not be able to be home on Christmas day.  Dillon's hope was that Santa would know that and come early so Michael could share Christmas with us.  We reassured him that we would all be together on Christmas, but I know they each have their misconceptions of what is going on.  I also know that telling them this early, when we don't have clear answers yet, will not help the situation.  I hate that we have to do this again, but we don't have much of a choice.  All we can do is hope that what is in store for us will make up for what we are dealing with right now and that in the end we will be better off.  In the meantime, I deal with each day with strange dreams, ice cream, early mornings and diet Dr. Pepper!

3 comments:

Katie said...

Hey, I thought we had an arrangement, if you are going to give your kids to anyone I get first dibs!!!!
Sending happy thoughts.
love you.

Spencer and Kimberly said...

Good luck with everything! I'm feeling stressed for you! Ya know, I've been wishing you'd find a job close to us. I even went looking for jobs. Have you guys checked out northern Utah at all? We would love to see you guys more often (or at all really).

Emma said...

What kind of jobs do they have in northern Utah? We have been looking everywhere. We would love to be closer to you guys too.