Monday, September 20, 2010

Insecurities

Today I was faced with one of my life long insecurities.  It's something that over the years has faded into the background, but occasionally it rears it's ugly head.  Today was one of times.  It happened innocently and without any intention to hurt me, but deep down it did.  I was at the barn with Zeke and Olivia.  They were practicing roping a steer head and Michael was doctoring a horses foot with the help of two others.  They were talking about a book they had read.  In the book there is a situation where the man goes into the bar and down the counter from him was a really ugly women.  As the night went on and he had more drinks, he looked down again and saw this beautiful girl sitting there.  He didn't know when the ugly one had left and this beautiful one had shown up.  Well, I'm sure you can guess...the ugly one hadn't really left, the alcohol had just made her beautiful.  Well, one of the guys started laughing and asked Michael if that was how he had met me.  Haha.  I know he didn't mean anything by it and I really have no hard feelings towards him, although I wouldn't have minded that big draft horse to step on his foot about the time he started laughing :)  Now, I know this all sounds silly and petty.  Get over it, right?  I will, don't worry.  But to explain it a little more and why it hurt, I'll go on a little further.  Growing up I was blessed to be in the middle of four boys.  Some of those boys found great pleasure in torturing me.  I had nicknames such as doggie doo, mutt face, doodoo head, etc.  Very flattering and very uplifting.  I was reminded that I was ugly, told I was fat and that no one would ever like me.  My parents tried to stop it, but they weren't around all the time.  Now, my brothers probably don't know this, but I worshipped them.  I looked up to them.  I wanted to be like them.  When those things were said by them it hurt.  I was a very shy, self conscious child with very little self-esteem.  I thought everyone believed as they did.  Now I am all grown up.  I have gotten better over the years.  I realize they were just stupid boys doing and saying stupid things.  They have grown up too and feel bad for the treatment they gave me.  My self confidence has risen and I'm not the same little girl I was then.  But that little girl is still in me and sometimes, certain things bring her to the forefront.  Today, the group of men (stupid boys) laughing in my behalf at their funny (not really) joke, brought all those things back.  It was like I was little again and they were my brothers and their group of friends.  Like I said, I know it sounds silly.  I think we all have insecurities of some sort, something from the past that causes weakness and silly reactions.  This is mine.  What did I do?  Well, when I left the barn I cried, just like I would do when I was little.  I didn't cry a lot, but just enough to get it out of my system.  Then I prayed.  Why?  Well, because, over the years I have learned to find my real worth and beauty through feeling the love of my Heavenly Father.  I prayed for reassurance and for love.  Then I ate a piece of chocolate because I love chocolate.  Then I was over it.  As I said before, we all have insecurities.  We all have things that make us feel less of a person.  I have found over the years, to search for things that contradict those insecurities.  Find things that build us up.  We are all children of God.  We have potential that we can not comprehend.  We have abilities and gifts beyond our imaginations.  We have to focus on those, on who we are and what we have done and what we have the ability to become, no matter what insecurities we face.

4 comments:

Joyce said...

The first time I remember seeing you was when you and Michael brought dinner to the Accounting Office where we were working late to get ready for audit. I thought to myself what a pretty young woman Michael was dating. The others in the office made the same comments as my thought. The guys kind of whistled and stared.

That was even before I got to know you and your many talents. I did not know you as a child, but your brothers were soooooo wrong. Maybe we should look at pictures of them at the same age. I know old feelings are hard to get rid of, but you did the right thing. Chocolate helps almost everything. In fact, I made myself a 'Smore' just last night. Love you.

Katie said...

oh gee. what a lovely way to spend an evening.
Like Joyce, I remember having the same reaction the first time I met you. I thought, wow she is beautiful! And amazing! And talented! and...wow. Those feelings have just grown ever since. I am so glad that you have such a good perspective, but if you ever forget, just know that "I" think you are beautiful! :)

Spencer and Kimberly said...

I saw a picture of you before I met you, and I still remember thinking how BEAUTIFUL you are. I've always thought that and still do!
Honestly, I don't think those guys would've made that joke if they really thought you weren't pretty. They said it cuz it's obvious that you're pretty.

Emma said...

Thanks you guys! You are all so nice. I know they were kidding, I just have to sometimes remind myself that I'm not that little preteen/teenage girl anymore:).